October 14, 2014
Simon Cowell gave an interview to say that he's "not exactly a hands-on dad." No fucking duh. Imagine him comforting a crying baby. Your mental image should have been a black screen because there's no fucking way that would ever happen in real life. It'd be more like "Baby, your pitch is disturbing and that is the worst dirty diaper I've ever seen. Pitiful."
His son Eric is 8 months old and Simon is not so low key bored as shit with him. "I want to fast-forward a few years so I can take him go carting and then introduce him to women," said the worst dad ever. I don't think Simon understands children. In a few years his son will be 5. He's got a long haul before he can set up Eric with someone who's only using him for his money, like a solid 11 years. That being said, this child is going to be the biggest asshole bro of all time. I cannot wait to see the havoc he'll wreak. The genetic mix of Simon Cowell and a woman who blatantly traded up while still married combined with Simon's net worth is the perfect douchebag storm. Simon does offer some comfort though, "We have really great nannies that are bloody amazing, so I don't have to worry." Tbh that's how all of our parents felt, but he's the only one with the balls to say it. His official parenting technique is to wait until his kid is cool enough to be worthy of his father's attention. Slow claps for you Simon.