Snapchat Is Ruining My Life: Ask A Pro

By The Head Pro

Dear Headpro,

I never thought I would actually have to write to you about guy issues, but I literally don't know what to do about this one bro.

I guess I don't really consider myself a betch, this site is just hilarious, but my problem is about the awful, but actually quite addicting Snapchat. I have been talking to this guy for a couple months now, texting on and off (nothing serious), but he has never asked me to hang out, which is just really fucking weird cause we at one point were talking ALL THE TIME. He even after not talking to me for a couple of weeks replied with "i'm sorry, I want to make it up to you, and hang out" but now ever since snapchat came out and we can start snapping selfies that we can't save, this is literally the only way he chooses to communicate, we send selfies back and forth. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO THIS WORLD. You're definitely going to be like K, this guys just a loser, move on. But I for some reason can't get him out of my head?? and I see his face at least 5 times a day... thank you snapchat. What do I do?


So Over Snapchat


Dear So Over Snapchat,

Your problem lies not with Snapchat (though using Snapchat as your primary means of communication is its own kind of problem), but with the fact that you have spent two months communicating with someone whom you have not hung out with in person. What’s up with that? How “in your head” can a guy be if all you ever see of him is a series of duckface pictures? I don’t want to say you’re a delusional dater, because that would imply that this guy is a real person you at least see in public. You’re definitely a delusional… something. I’m actually not going to say that this guy’s a loser, because I don’t know anything about him. Neither do you, because your entire relationship is basically a Tumblr.

My advice would be to stop replying to his selfies. Better yet, get rid of Snapchat altogether because it’s fucking stupid.

You know you can screenshot those pics, right?

Head Pro


Head Pro,

I just got out of a long-distance relationship (for the obvious reasons). Typical breakup, it's a nonissue. However, when we were still an item and he had recently moved I would occasionally go to the bars and, wanting what I couldn't have, inevitably end up texting him something along the lines of "I want to fuck you." But way more cute and stuff than that. He'd send back some variation of "shh" and I could tell he was uncomfortable with "sexting". (Though the messages I sent him were more along the lines of a textual handjob AT MOST. Never anything blatantly raunchy or something I wouldn't show to my girlfriends) Question is: are some guys really just not into sexting? Was he getting some on the side? Was he not going fucking crazy from withdrawal of our formerly consistent sex?

Also, out of curiosity, which is sexier: thigh gap or inner thigh diamond?



Dear Toomuchadderall,

First of all, stop sending me an email every week, and then immediately following that email with the same exact thing, only this time with a subject line that says something like “THIS EMAIL CONTAINS NUDE PICS OF MILA KUNIS.” One, don’t talk the talk if you aren’t going to walk the walk, because that would actually be a pretty bodacious email to get. Two, it looks like spam. It’s weird, and you should feel weird. I read every email I get, and your “clever” subject lines don’t persuade me to post your questions. However, I will post them when, as in this case, they’re kind of dumb.

To answer your question, yes, some guys do not like sexting, the same way some guys don’t like mayonnaise or the idea of their estranged girlfriend sending them sexts and then immediately showing what they sent to their besties. How do those conversations go, anyways? “OMG I WISH I COULD FUCK JACOB LOOK AT THE CLEVER SEXT I SENT HIM! BY ‘CHECK MY OIL,’ I REALLY MEAN I WANT HIM TO TOUCH MY BUTTHOLE, GET IT?” Your friends don’t want to read that shit. Your then-boyfriend didn’t especially want to either, since he wasn’t in a position to do anything about it. The only plausible function of sexting is for it to lead to actual sex, and when it doesn’t it’s kind of pointless. If you’re looking to inspire and/or titillate someone from a distance, rather than a coy text, at least send a picture of your boobs or something.

As for your follow up questions, I say “what?” and “what the fuck?” How you equate his reluctance to respond to a sext from someone he cannot actually sex with him cheating on you is beyond me. More importantly, what the fuck is “withdrawal from sex?” Sure, sex with a real, live person is totally the bee’s knees, but it’s not a drug. He presumably has hands and an internet connection, so he was never at risk of having his ballbag rupture. In general, girls place way too much emphasis on sex as a driver of relationships. Sure, without sex there’s not much point in having a relationship, but no one puts up with all the accompanying bullshit JUST because of sex. If you believed sex to be the only glue holding you together, your relationship was doomed whether he moved away or not.

I’m not even going to touch that last question, because I have no fucking clue what an “inner thigh diamond” is. Is it, like, a minor league baseball stadium or something? I love baseball, but not in a sexual way. Hope that helps.

Textual Handjob Kisses,

Head Pro




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