July 3, 2015
If you still think Twitter is an acceptable form of social media to use (especially in public or at work – if you get caught on Twitter at work you deserve to be fired), you clearly have been living under a rock, unaware of the social change around you.
Twitter is done. No one, except maybe people who have six followers and think their opinions matter, uses it anymore. Everyone caught on that sitting there scrolling through people’s inner thoughts written down is the most fucking boring activity ever. If you still you use hashtags (in a not ironic way, that is) GTFO.
This pathetic excuse for wasting time not only forces you to care what other people think and feel (which is not something betches do lightly), but it also requires way too much of an attention span. These days, what American gives enough of a shit to even read 160 characters? Old people, but retirement gets boring so that barely counts.
Despite the death of Twitter being upon us we still consider our lives to be wildly entertaining. If no one else knows our bestie Tina blacked out last night and fell asleep in the middle of the bar, did it even happen? Probably not and that’s where Snapchat comes in.
Snapchat gives us the same possibilities, but with much less risk. Remember that time you tweeted something you thought was so funny Louis CK could have said it? Well you only got two favorites and nobody recovers from that kind of embarrassment right away. You considered deleting it, but that only makes the predicament you’re in even worse.
By using the app that initially started out as the platform desperate girls used to send nudes, we can still broadcast our hilarious thoughts and life events, but nobody actually knows how many people looked at your Snapchat story. Only you do, as you manically scroll through the names hoping your ex saw the hot Snap you put on your story.
We’re sure that Silicon Valley employs a shit ton of marketing and creative geniuses to create new successful apps, but by looking at how Snapchat has become the new Twitter you learn that people are egocentric, attention-greedy fuck boys who think they’re the next up and coming comedian. When you limit the direct feedback they get, the better off they are because they can continue living in their fake little world where their misconceptions are true.
That all being said, if you still have the Twitter app you should probably go ahead and delete it because that thing is on a direct path to being the next Xanga. No one gives a shit anymore, so focus your energy on checking who looked at your Snapchat story. They probably just looked at it to make the annoying notification go away, but lying to yourself is easier than realizing you’re probably irrelevant so carry on.