January 27, 2015
As if Juno wasn't disappointing enough this morning, Snapchat had to come around and fuck up our days even more by releasing a new update with some pretty groundbreaking changes.
Betches everywhere were like "WTF" when they saw their beloved app had changed this morning. It's like when you go to sleep proud of yourself for going home with a 10 last night and then wake up to realize he's barely a 6 who just asked you to get bagels with him.
The first thing we noticed with the app update was some new feature called Discover, which Snapchat HQ claims is "not social media" but a way to keep up with the news. News networks like CNN, Daily Mail, People, ESPN, Yahoo! News, and Cosmopolitan (questionable) partnered with Snapchat to basically create their own Snapchat stories (with fancy graphics) so people stop taking selfies all day and actually have a fucking clue about what's going in the world. Snooze.
This Discover bullshit got boring real fast so we browsed through the app to realize not only is Snapchat trying to make us more "educated" they also eliminated the Snapchat best friend feature. Yeah. Take a second.
While the batshit crazy betch deep within you is all "Are you fucking serious? How will I know who Jake is snapchatting now?" you should probably calm down and realize Snapchat just did you a huge favor.
The Snapchat best friend issue is one that is so ridiculous that the bros behind the addicting app probably realized how many fights they were causing in relationships that they decided to get rid of it and probably avoid a couple lawsuits from some real crazy fucks out there.
While you may be texting your bestie freaking out right now (since you just had to share this news with everyone you know), turn this outrage into something positive. At least now bros can be shady and we just don't have to know about it. Ignorance is bliss. So is an afternoon cocktail though so maybe go make one if you can't get your heart rate down.