May 21, 2014
Today there are more female entrepreneurs than ever before. Countless women are starting their own businesses, solving problems and providing services with the ingenuity and creativity intrinsic to a woman’s touch...
Then there’s your dumb friend Jenna who sells bracelets off Instagram.
With every log in, another bead-stringing betch is spamming your newsfeed with her pewter peace signs and Hamsas carved from the bones of her dead housekeeper. The Comm School walls couldn’t hold her back, cause she’s making jewelry now! She freed herself from the shackles of PR company-sponsored wine tastings and now designs handmade shackles to guilt-sell to family friends.
Making ugly hand chains is the Betch’s answer to the Bro DJ. Your Buddah bangle is his unwanted bass drop. You both claim individuality by jumping on a trend, you both profess creativity by producing uninspired dreck. It’s the passion you’ll drop by grad school. Try something different! The Jappy Jeweler market is already flooded! I just want to round ‘em all up and start a sweatshop in Roslyn- Alex and Ani and Jamie and Dani and Maddy and Yoga-Maddy. Less talk, more turquoise!
Of course, Bullshit Betch Business isn’t limited to baubles; they also make Pocahontas headbands and Doggy croptops, too!
They say do what you love, so this is what happens when the only thing you love is yourself. I was in desperate need of fitspiration. Thank God I came across that selfie of you shoving your Lululemon-swaddled genitals in my face like a cat in heat. The only things you’re “motivating” me to do is X-out and stick to real porn.
Side note: All the civilian girls posting these weird HD bikini pics??! WHO THE FUCK IS WILLING TO BE YOUR PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER!?!? I imagine some poor cabana boy getting yelled at, “TAKE ANOTHER ONE, JULIO! THAT’S A SHIT ANGLE!”
With every new workout, some sadistic betch is whipping up a new snack to counteract its positive effects. The Food Betch move is genius, I must say. Sell a bunch of sugary shit to your peers, fattening them to make you look hotter by comparison. Baked by Melissa, consumed by chubby Murray Hill residents. She knew the deal. Also, how come all of these “chefs” have never mastered a skill beyond Funfetti? Just once I’d like to see a Betch open up a gourmet French Restaurant. I guess Crème Brulee and Loestrin don’t mix.
Blogger: Betches blog on a myriad of different, thought-provoking topics: Finding the Perfect Pair of Summer Sandals, How to Take A Style Risk, What Beyoncé Wore to Her Mammogram-I get it, how you look and how others think you look is really, really important to you people. Still, I’ve got to imagine there is more exciting stuff to write about than the next European Credit Card-Keys-Phone-Lipgloss Holder To Throw A Thousand Dollars At. WAIT. Never mind. Just checked Buzzfeed, there’s a quiz called 'What Kind of Air-Conditioning Unit Are You'? You guys can stick with style.
Any other betch businesses that you think are bullshit? Am I just jelly that my Promoter/Startup/Comedian jobs never took off? Leave your thoughts in the comments section!
The Social Assasin is a bro who currently lives in NYC. His idol is Larry David and his favorite order at Starbucks is one of those vanilla bullshit things. Follow him on Twitter.