April 2, 2014
My life is full of difficult decisions: am I doing dinner at a gastropub, an izakaya or that cute small plates place downtown? I constantly make sacrifices: last week, I slummed it at a below 25-er on Zagat. But throughout it all, I maintain my dignity. I’ve only stepped in an Olive Garden to ask for directions away from it.
Some of us view our gluttony game with the seriousness of Gordon Ramsay, but #FoodieLife is not without its’ absurdity. Let’s take a break from our cronuts and ramen burgers and revel in the ridiculousness of #FoodieLife.
“We have sparkling or flat or-“ Shut the fuck up, silly waiter. Don’t judge me. You’re just a waiter, waiter. Tap water or I tap out. I don’t care if you’re a vagillionaire, popping bottles of Voss at dinner is for douchebags. I love the awkward standoff that occurs whenever the waiter pops the water question. Each of your tablemates internally panics over who will bite the bullet and drop the T-word, acknowledging the embarrassing fact that you’re actually a group of shipping conglomerate heiresses.
“TAP. TAP IS FINE,” I declare to the struggling actor taking my order. Everyone exhales. The fire has been extinguished.
“See those heirloom carrots? They’re grown right here, by our personal farmer Jeff. In fact, he’s standing right over there. Jeff, wave hello. Jeff picked those carrots especially for you. He worked really hard, so it’s almost like a part of Jeff is inside of you. Wait, where are you going?”
“I liked cupcakes before they were cool.” It’s a proven successful formula: take poor-people food, add some hipster ingredients and boom! A new food craze in full effect. Ramen noodles, mac & cheese, and even chicken nuggets have all gotten the yuppie upgrade. Unfortunately, my Artisanal Fishsticks and Kool-Aid Mixology Bar concept never took off.
Foodies come in all shapes and levels of elitism.
1. The Gourmand: Adventurous but obnoxious, savvy but snooty. The Gourmand goes gaga over emulsification, truffle oil and bone marrow. She’ll savor a tasting at Daniel and not even want pizza afterwards like some sort of psychopath. Whatever type of meat you enjoy, she’ll suggest trying its sautéed kidneys instead. Way denser. Her education is unbalanced and ever changing. She just learned that there is a North AND South Carolina but would projectile vomit if you suggest pairing Chablis with anything gamier than poultry.
2. The Beast: The Guy Fieri of foodies. Whether it’s a Mac & Cheese Pizza or Chicken Parm Smoothies, she loves a monstrous mash-up. The Beast tries to play it cool, but can’t hide her inner wildebeest. She constantly posts articles about the Doritos Locos Tacos or Cookie Dough Oreos, commenting unsubtle cravings: “Amazing! Can’t wait to eat this!…..Uh, is what someone gross would say!…Not me… Right, guys?!” Beast please, we all know what’s going on after last call.
3. The Foodstagrammer: Bitch, do you work for Bon Appétit? Her Insta looks like a portfolio. That’s not milk, that’s glue! The Foodstagrammer takes a lot of pictures of food, but never seems to actually eat any. Takes “starving artist” to a whole new level. Put the iPhone down and take a bite, you can’t survive on ‘Likes’ alone.
First it was garlic aioli, then truffle oil, now we’re in the season of Sriracha. Every year a new condiment takes a stranglehold on us and we have no choice but to do shots of sauce. Started from the bottom now we’re here (available as a dressing at Subway). Same deal with vegetables. We’ve been on this planet for a fairly long time, but somehow, new greens seem to sprout from the ground and we all pretend to like it for a couple months. Right now, its all kale everything. Kale chips, Kale juice, Kale diaphragms. Who will dethrone King Kale? Swiss chard is making a go at it, but don’t discredit Kimchi!
I made this pasta out of zucchini and this chicken parm out of tears and air! There’s this big trend of transforming veggies into the good shit, but it doesn’t do it for me. I know a zoodle when I see one. Squash is a lot of things, but spaghetti it’s not. I’d rather take the calories and keep my dignity.
Feel me on my #FoodieLife feature? Think I’m way off? Leave your thoughts in the comments section or get at me @KRUMLIFEDOTCOM!