April 23, 2014
It's time to talk about an issue that's been plaguing the nation and our eyes for too long now. It affects people of all classes, from Kim Kardashian to Beyonce, and it seems like there's no escaping this embarrassing trend that's turning people who I thought were semi-honest into pathological instagram liars. It's the photoshop, and it has to fucking stop.
If you haven't noticed this trend, you either need to get new contacts or you must be like too consistently barred out to notice what's going on around you because it's everywhere. And if you haven't noticed it you will now. Whether it takes the form of people smoothing out the skin on their selfies (We all know you don't look like a magazine ad in real life, okay? You have acne.) or slimming their arms and stomachs, everyone has suddenly become the cover model version of themselves.
It started with suspiciously slim-looking pics of an outer circle acquaintance. The first time you wrote it off as a really good angle or like, she just finished a cleanse. But when these questionable pictures continue popping up you know something is strange. Then one day this girl who thinks she's been fooling everyone makes the dumbest move ever and photographs herself in front of a brick wall and finally the whole world can see what you've suspected all along. The lines in the brick wall are fucking squiggly due to her funhouse-style editing. You can now run to your besties with your definitive proof feeling like you're Nancy Drew. See, the wall is all messed up from her editing!! Does she think we're stupid or just fucking blind??
Now that you've been discovered as a photoshopper, it's pretty much guaranteed that your photos can never be trusted again and are only worth looking at for the sake of tearing apart your shitty editing skills. They should literally have me examining murder scenes with the attention to detail I give to the fact that Lauren expects me to believe she has Barbie proportions. Why don't you just photoshop your head onto Kendall Jenner's body while you're at it??
The only person who makes the photoshopper look marginally better to me are those who will go somewhere, and instead of taking their own photo, will screenshot one from the location tag or google image search. These instas are always pixellated and grainy and exhibit blatant quadruple filtering. I really don't know what would possess someone to do this. Like, you are THERE, why don't you just take your own fucking picture? How do these people not see how obvious it is? Is their vision bad or do they just not give a shit? I feel like they're taking crazy pills.
So betches, it's time to stop editing and generally being an instagram patho. You're not fooling anyone and you're basically telling the world that your real self isn't hot enough/you have self-esteem issues. But at least now we know that when we see people in person we should pay extra attention because that's the only way we'll get to see an accurate version of them. I can't believe we're returning to the pre-Facebook days when you actually have to see someone in real life to know what they look like.