April 9, 2014
Every betch has one of these in her newsfeed. She's the girl who got married right after college and is so thrilled that she actually got some dude to put a ring on it that she can not stop posting about him. Her social media meltdown began as soon as she got engaged, and you might as well have been her maid of fucking honor considering how much you know about her search for the perfect floral arrangement, and now that she's married you might as well move in and get a matching china set because, whether you like it or not, you're along for the ride.
Every once in a while, probably after all of her fun still-single friends did something actually cool like spring break or Ultra, a two-paragraph long post declaring that she's so lucky to have married her "best friend" and that God put him in her life "for a reason" will pop up in your newsfeed and make you wanna vom even more than your hangover. Even worse is that this post will probably be commented on by all her family members and weird other married friends (because weird married people stick together. It's like, their code.) This will ultimately be so infuriating that after about an hour of following the posts development/throwing shade all over the place, you'll end up hiding it from your feed and texting your back burner bro just so you can ignore him later and prove how great it is to be single.
What is it with married couples and professional photography? Seriously I was wondering where you were but apparently you've been hanging out in the woods with your clearly uncomfortable husband posing next to logs and flowers and shit. These posts are usually accompanied by some bullshit like "These are all so cute I can't choose which to put in the Christmas card!" but you know what she really means is, "Look at all the dumb shit I can make my new husband do!"
The day this chick gets pregnant is the day your newsfeed explodes and it's going to be time to start seriously looking into unfollowing. If you choose to stay, be prepared for hundreds of posts a day about baby names, selfies with sonograms, and so many creepy comparative photos of her stomach getting fat that you'll thank God more consistently for your monthly flow.