October 3, 2012
As we’ve already established, betches love the greek system. Not only does it institutionalize passing judgment upon others based on the whiteness of their teeth, but it also implements a social hierarchy by which its members are forced to abide. It’s basically a real life beauty pageant but with secret handshakes and bump groups.
However, there's one aspect of greek life we haven't discussed but make no mistake, it's just as important to being in a sorority as the sluttiness of your mixer outfits: your lineage. The big/little relationship is different from all other fraternal affiliations because, unlike the rest of your sisters with whom you can easily cut all ties the minute one gains seven pounds or like, annoys you, the bond between you and your lineage is permanent.
The big and little kinship is also different from all others because it certifies that one of you is subservient to the other. It is the big’s job to be the matriarch, inviting her little over to #23 pregame before every event, helping her with school work (by giving her adderall), and lending her the advice and wisdom that only a big could supply--don't have sex with every member of a fraternity. It is the little’s job to compliment her big at all times and make her feel cool and mature. If you two remain close after college, this dynamic will still remain.
Let’s talk about how the big/little relationship forms: very drunk. Usually within the first few weeks after rush, when the sophomores are on the prowl for their future littles, they will begin to stake claim on the freshmen based mostly upon looks and their prof pics. “OMG Jenna R is sooo presh she is GOING to be my little!” Once you’ve set your sights on a little one, the key is running into her while you’re out and having some sort of interaction or moment which brings you together. There’s no single way to lock down a little as everyone’s bonding experience is different, just make sure it’s memorable and indicative of the relationship you will form. For example, you find sisterly love through a blackout smoke sesh in the bathroom of a bar or you realize you've found your match after bumping into her at the bars the day after she got her stomach pumped. There is no wrong way.
Next comes big/little week aka the most stressful week of the semester and by far the most annoying. If you’re the little it’s fucking great. You spend the entire week getting showered with presents and all you have to do in return is complete such intense tasks as “go to Sigma Chi and take a pic with the social chair.” But for the big, this is the week from hell because not only do you have to spend hours crafting a bunch of dumb shit with puff paint and hot glue guns but you will also spend upwards of 300 dollars on said shit, and your little will probably throw most of it away next week anyway. Ungrateful bitch. This gives you that magical once in a lifetime opportunity to shower a female with more attention than any self-respecting guy ever would.
Once you’re officially big and little, be prepared to have more photos with this person than you have with any other person you’ve ever known. Even if the two of you aren’t very close you will be in more photos with your little than your actual friends simply because your relationship has a label. A “best little on earth <3” caption is mandatory.
Some sorostitutes are very big on the big/little/grandlittle relationship but this is generally rare because in most lineages there is a misstep every third generation. Meaning, for every three consecutive family members one will either drop, get kicked out for drugs, or just fucking suck and therefore be disowned by the other family members. Yes, we are still talking about greek life…
God, Zeus it's so mature.
So for all you first semester rush betches, we know big/little week is soon and we hope you’ve already started laying the groundwork to find yourself the perfect little. After all, no one wants to be tagged in a bunch of pictures standing next to the chubby lazy-eyed legacy.