July 15, 2015
One Direction may have lost Zayn earlier this year, but they’re about to get a new member who will be younger and probably cuter than the rest of them. If you’re really confused, it’s a baby. Louis Tomlinson has gotten some girl pregnant, which is just so confusing. First off, Louis has always seemed like the gayest one, so we’ll probably need a paternity test to be sure.
Also, the girl he got pregnant is not his wife or girlfriend, but a “really close friend,” which is pretty awkward. Like Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran are good friends but I’m pretty sure Taylor was never like “oh yeah, get me pregnant, that seems cool and normal.” Louis is only 23, which means he was born in 1991. Something about people in the ‘90s having babies just feels so wrong, because who wants to be a real adult? Louis broke up with his LDR girlfriend this year and then hooked up with some rando named Briana - can't you just hear her saying "It's Briana with one n actually." Louis and Briana were never a "couple," but are "friends" and committed to being good parents. Lol.
The whole thing is the 21st Century road to parenthood. Boy breaks up with his gf, boy meets new girl, boy and girl get drunk, boy hooks up with girl, boy doesn't text girl back, girl gets pregnant, boy and girl have a disastrous relationship trying to be parents. It's pretty much the plot line of Knocked Up. Maybe One Direction's next song will be about the "I'm late" text.
The scary part about the whole thing is that Louis is 23, which is the universal age when pregnancy becomes "Oh that's amazing, your mom can't wait to be a grandmother" instead of "Holy shit, your mom's going to kill you." So Mazel to Louis and Briana, even though Harry must be feeling really left out.
No word yet on whether Louis will be taking any paternity leave from the group, but this could all be a part of Harry Styles’ plan to make all four of his bandmates quit. Tbh the name One Direction would make more sense if there was only one of them. Good luck Louis, can’t wait to see what fugly baby name you choose..