July 16, 2012
For betches who embrace #118 working out as a lifestyle, no two words are trendier than 'Soul Cycle.' I mean, it’s part exercise, part cocktail party. Where else can you really be guaranteed to find a room of hot sweaty pros and their non-working socialite friends, outside of a club bathroom? And if you think you're going to Soul cycle to shed pounds off your fat ass then you're wrong, and apparently fat. If you’re going to spin, you need to be fit as fuck because, having been to some of the hottest clubs, we’ve never seen a door as unspokenly strict as SC's. Put aside the fact that you could just make a really good playlist and go on one of those...what do they call them...oh yeah, a bike ride, Soul Cycle has gained popularity of cult-like proportions. Let's discuss:
Betches plan their weeks around when their fave instructor is spinning. Who cares about the actual workout when there’s great bro spotting? No one wants to be in the class with the buff butch Amazon woman up front telling you to “keep up the good work!” and “sweat it out ladies!” Like, it’s whatever if you’re an actual lesbo, but if you’re a crazed I-need-a-six-pack-NOW type of work out bitch, let’s be honest, the only gold medal you’ll be competing for is the Olympics of not getting ass. If I wanted man shoulders I'd bench press or like, strive to date Tara Thorton.
Other than looking hot, the other responsiblity of the instructor is to play good music. We want to spin to the same music to which we also drink. I mean, house mixes of Rihanna's greatest hits is the best shit to spin to while I'm pretending not to hear the last 5 quarter turns. However, if you get the shitty insructor who thinks that aboriginal tribe-themed music classes are a good idea, they're seriously disturbed. Like if I wanted to work out to Lady Smith Black Mombazo I would've stayed in Africa or moved to Brooklyn.
Other than the instructors, we clearly come for the crowd. The whole point of Soul Cycle is to spot a random celeb and stay in their class so next time you’re both in line for wheatgrass shots, Jake Gyllenhaal can be like hey, you’re in my 7am right? And you can be like yeah, I am. And then you’ll develop like a regular stop and chat relationship so you can casually name drop like oh I’m going with my Soul Cycle friend to see his movie this weekend. NBD.
One of the other key players on the Soul Cycle scene is the obsessive maybe gay bro. You know the one. He always sits at the front of the class and is clearly appearing to be working the hardest. Probably riled up from a coke-binge 80 hour week at his #166 banking job, he will literally be flinging sweat everywhere and punching himself in the chest. Like calm the fuck down, who do you think you're kidding? This is a spin class with 90% women, not a fucking boxing ring. We all know you're metrosexual at best.
Sitting right next to this maybe gay bro will be the nicegirl who clearly either wants a job at Soul Cycle, is TTH to be the next office slut at her midsize PR company, or is just generally an overachieving loser. At the end of each class you will always see her trying to impress the instructor by asking for feedback. I think my stamina was much better than on Tuesday. But tell me, how was my form today?! Your form was desperate as fuck.
No betch would be caught dead at Soul Cycle in a sorority tee or norts. No one in the real world is rushing for a sorority, so just stop it. The most important part of dressing for Soul Cycle is what you look like post-workout. Clearly you’ll be going for a trendy coconut water afterward or just strolling back home, but people on the street will know you’ve been to Soul Cycle. If you think padded shorts are cool, then you probably are not. SC Betches wear a high ponytail black spandex and neon running shoes. It’s the unofficial uniform. Don’t fuck with it.
The Flywheel Controversy
Some betches will swear by Flywheel rather than Soul Cycle because it's basically the same thing except you race the other people in your class. I mean, that's cool, if I wanted to get into a timed competition with an instructor screaming at me I would join the fucking military.
Finally, Soul Cycle is shadily owned by Equinox so be sure to be aware that you're paying $500 a month to ride a stationary bicycle on top of the most expensive gym membership known to man for essentially no reason. Soul cycle is a status symbol, not just "the most intense workout ever!" And no, walking around with a yoga mat is not the same thing. It's like, Oh you just came from yoga? Cool, did you just exit your time machine from 2003? True betches know that when it comes to working out it's not about the calories burned so much as the heads turned.