SoulCycle has become a religion of hotness for betches everywhere. A bunch of celebs do it and it’s expensive af so it’s super exclusive as far as exercise goes. And more importantly, it’s insanely difficult so it makes you skinny AND you get to bitch about how hard you worked out to your friends. But bad news, SoulCyclers. It recently came out that the cycling is pretty terrible for your vagina. Well that’s just fucking great.
Doctors are saying that cycling puts a lot of pressure on your perineum, which I’m not 100% positive about what that is because I’m not a gyno but I’m gonna assume it’s part of my lady bits, and that it can lead to loss of sensation and eventually the numbing of your vagina. WHAT?! You’re telling me if I keep cycling eventually I won’t feel anything? I mean, I knew when I first started cycling it felt like Muhammad Ali (RIP) punched me down there and then it just stopped, but I thought I was getting better, not going fucking numb.
And it gets worse. For guys, long periods of cycling can cause erectile dysfunction. So not only is your 8am workout making you lose feeling in your vagina, it’s also making your hookup’s dick limp. Those two things added together pretty much equal the world’s worst sex. Yeah, no fucking thanks. There are a bunch of tips on how to avoid these serious problems, like using a wide gel-filled seat and raising your handle bars, but my sex life isn’t worth the risk. I think I’ll just stick to Pure Barre from now on. Or better yet, never work out again—you know, to be safe.