Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of Southern Charm. Let’s see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.
Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word “bitch.” Well, I do declare!) My family’s about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shit’s entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, I’m kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.
We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JD’s house and can’t even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasn’t cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you'll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.
JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her you’re not cosigning, she gets upset, and now you’re cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her
JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didn’t end up in the hospital over it.
Thomas is like, I want her to be in a happy place because she's carrying my unborn child so fuck it, you win Kathryn, gimme that lease. Wow, everybody was right—homegirl really does know how to manipulate.
Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don't you think?
Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.
Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.
Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, “Yello!” and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because he’s so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. That’s gotta hurt, Craig.
Shep rolls up to good ol’ Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something. Damn, and you’re not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? That’s cold, Craig.
Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesn’t complete it in time he won’t be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on…
These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.
Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if she’s pregnant. Like...a girl can't order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she's got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches won’t leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!
Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money can’t solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam's friend is like, “you don’t need a therapist, just eat your placenta,” because that’s totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.
Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?
It’s finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, I’m sorry, I’m definitely buying. They're going to have a rosé tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, “It’s mathematics. It’s an exact science.” No it’s not. It’s basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.
Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they would’ve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldn’t be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.
Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.
Yeah, maybe on the outside. I’m not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.
Craig is aiming for “Gatsby-ish pink” in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, “that’s the Yankee in Craig.” I’m sorry, bitch what? Don't be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.
Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!
Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.
Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?
Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.
Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn't visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.
Landon: I’m tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, I’m not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.
Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I'm semi impressed by the fact that she can't even pretend to be mildly concerned.
We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless you’re constantly taking it, but ok.
Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment (Editor's Note: So like, not Charleston??) and if Thomas won’t help me get a huge-ass house he doesn’t deserve to be in my baby’s life as far as I’m concerned.
Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.
Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point.
YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, I’M NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.
Back at Patricia’s house where she’s still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.
Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. I’ve always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.
IDK what putting on the dog means but that’s gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.
Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.
Thomas saying “yeah, pop that” is the most uncomfortable I’ve been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.
Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude who’d call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with “bonsoir.” Can we fucking stop pretending we're European?
Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if you’re reading this, I can clean up really well and I won’t get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.
This is the first/most we’ve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him “babe” and I can see the smoke coming out of Landon’s ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.
Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don't need to be so ostentatious.
Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.
YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!
Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn't care if she looks ridiculous.
Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don't you know this is a classy affair??
Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryn’s hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is like “yeah of course” and Craig is like *sips wine* "That’s not what I heard."
Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It's about to get real.
Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasn’t supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.
THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybody’s conniving af. Except Cameran. I’m really liking her. Can you tell?
Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.
Landon: I'm not gonna lie, there’s sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I don’t wanna risk getting hurt.
Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why you’re not, when he’s going to wake up and realize you’re the one for him…
Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like “you’re on top of your game, aren’t you?” and Shep’s like “yeah obv” and everyone’s like “no lol and stop looking at the fortune teller’s boobs.” Shep is just making a bunch of that’s what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.
The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like “why you being distant?”
Patricia: I think it’s very unattractive that he’s friends with Kathryn Dennis. It’s very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words "low-rent.")
Dude whose name I 100% forgot: It’s very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesn’t like: she sees herself.
Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.
Jen shows up and we already know it’s going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.
Thomas: Tell this chick I’m going to throw her in the pool.
JD: You don’t need another assault charge, homie.
One thing’s for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.
JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is like “can somebody tell me what happened after we left last time,” aka, “can someone tell me the dirt bc I wasn’t allowed to stick around and watch?”
Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and he’s just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.
Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn't see Kathryn in the hospital
Jen: I meant you didn’t stay overnight
Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasn’t there at all.
Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? You’re just looking for a reason to shit on him.
Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryn’s health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.
Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.
They have a “lie vs. misunderstanding” argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.
Jennifer: I’m the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.
Thomas thinks it’s Jen’s mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.
Jen: I’m torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because he’s truly delusional.
AKA how I feel watching this show.
Jen’s like, “Why don’t we call Kathryn right now and see who’s upsetting who?” and Thomas is like “Well that’s exactly my point, why are you going to call her and upset her when she’s in the hospital?” And I'm like:
Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.
Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.
JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesn’t need to add to them. This dam’s gonna break.
Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like “wooder.”
What’s the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricia’s house! Whitney is like “Mom, tell Jennifer to leave, she’s tresspassing,” because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybody’s gathered to watch while acting like they’re too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!
Jennifer: I know what Kathryn’s going through because now I'm the one nobody likes.
Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It's only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.
Jennifer leaves yelling “fuck that, I didn’t do anything wrong,” and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.