Southern Charm Recap: It's Lit, Y'all

Full disclosure, I missed the first 15 minutes and for some reason Bravo is being some punk-ass bitches and won’t put the full episode up online. Not sure what that’s about, but I’m sure all I missed was a rehashing of the craziness that went down at Thomas’s dinner party. Here’s what I gleaned from the preview clip they oh-so-generously put up:

JD: Typical Southern parties try to keep things light. Thomas is starting a new tradition: burning the table down with Bacardi 151 before the salads.

I mean, that’s kind of like the typical agenda of my dinner parties. Is that bad?

Kathryn’s like, Thomas speaks the truth. Y’all can’t handle the truth. Tennessee Williams said that.


Meanwhile Cameran’s insisting, “This was a planned attack. I told y’all.”

Move the fuck over, Sherlock Holmes. Cameran Eubanks is on the scene. Why do I have the strange sense of déjà vu that I've made this exact joke before? Oh well. I mean obviously this was planned to some degree, it’s not like Thomas just improvised all that. He's obviously been working that out in his head for a WHILE.

Shep defends Kathryn to Landon and that’s another knife in Landon’s heart, I’m sure.

[This is the part I missed. Bravo’s fault. Not mine.]

I tune back in to Craig and Naomie having some kind of serious talk/getting ready for the Founder’s Ball.

OK I kind of want Naomie’s bathrobe tho.

Craig: Naomie and I tell each other everything, which is why I didn’t tell Naomie I’m quitting my job to “study” for the bar exam

Craig tells Naomie he’s quitting his job and actually for once she’s supportive of him. For a minute there I was kind of concerned she was going to be pissed he was eliminating his source of income. In my defense, she cut it real close.

Whitney meets JD at some bar. $5 says JD orders a Gentry & Ginger. YES NAILED IT. I will accept my $5 via Paypal. You can email me at [email protected] They’re basically rehashing Thomas’s freakout/bitch fit, and JD reveals he invited Thomas to join them?? You crazy.

Thomas joins them and they both act like they haven’t been talking mad shit about him being erratic lately. So like, me and my besties at brunch right when the BSCB shows up.

Thomas: I had this dinner party and everyone left before the salad was even served, like idk wtf happened that was weird?

Bro are you serious? Were you blackout? Did you really expect people to stay after you were flinging insults left and right and, oh yeah, PHYSICALLY CHASED THEM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE? I mean, free food is free food but come on, everyone has their limits. Plus your friends are all rich so I doubt they need the free meal anyway.

Whitney: Do you think it was very Southern of you to invite your friends into your home just to insult them?

OK, Whitney and JD. I feel like you guys are trying to throw shade at the North with your Southern comments, but like, even in New York we don't invite our friends over JUST to insult them.

Thomas: I’ve gone 50 years without any kids and now I have 2 kids and I’m at a very stressful point in my life

Whitney: It’s hard to be friends with you these days, you have to take responsibility

Thomas: I think my heart was in the right place my message just came out wrong

???? Your heart was “in the right place”?? In what way?? Please explain. I'll wait.

Thomas picks up Kathryn, who is wearing sky-high heels while toting a child, props.

Shep calls himself “Cinderella” and says he’s “got to get ready for the ball.” Ok Shep.

Thomas is like “It’s good for Kensie to see my place”
Kathryn: Yeah, all of us in it together at the same time. *Hint hint wink wink*
V. subtle. Def not gold digging.

Patricia is hooked up to some oxygen relaxation therapy machine.

Patricia: The fact that I’m 105 years old and still look as old as I do is because of my oxygen therapy.

Move over, Botox. Oxygen therapy is the new wave. If it's good enough for Patricia Altschul I'm sure it's good enough, and way too expensive, for me.

Apparently Thomas texted Shep like “I was jk man I was just fooling around [when I called you a pussy and basically shat on your entire existence].” What a fucking idiot. But Shep basically replies "It's all good bro." Shep, you are truly an enigma.

I don’t really care to recap this recap of this convo between Shep and Thomas. But Shep has a point tbh. If Kathryn has a problem with Thomas’ friendship with Landon, Thomas needs to set boundaries. That’s on you boo boo.

Landon hasn’t had her makeup done in A YEAR and her makeup artist is like “Oh honey.” We had the exact same reaction at the exact same time. Help, I need to stop watching this show.

At Thomas’s, Kathryn’s like “When I tried to talk to Landon calmly about her situation with you she called me trash and walked out.” Uh, was this before or after you “calmly” told her she sounds like a dolphin? Kathryn asks Thomas to explain his friendship with her and some photos. Cut to: a series of very innocent-looking photos, like them on horseback with a bunch of other people. K. I'm not one to rush to judgment, but I kinda get where the "Kathryn is crazy" camp is coming from.

Kathryn basically calls Landon a gold-digger and asks Thomas to cut her out. Which is ironic, because like 10 seconds ago Landon called Kathryn a gold-digger. Maybe Landon and Kat should be friends.  Thomas agrees to cut a bitch off but just to the camera says, "I’m gonna say anything I can to placate Kathryn.” Oh boy, can’t wait for season 4 for Thomas to (not) put his money where his mouth is.

Thomas: Your intuition is the wisdom that’s guided me through thousands of previous lives.

Thomas, stop smoking peyote. WTF are you even saying?

Craig uses more hair product than I do. Never change, Craig.

Landon visits Patricia before the ball, and I love that Patricia has pretty much literally taken over the role of fairy godmother. How do Patricia's clothes fit Landon? Damn, Patricia. I hope I look as good as you when I’m 105 years old.

Patricia’s teaching Landon how to sit like a lady/seduce Shep. Please let the bend and snap be in her repertoire. PLEASE.

Patricia: I have a certain charm. Southern charm. Haha see what I did there? Did you get the joke?

Thomas’s version of an apology is to be like “I hope everything’s cool between us.” Same.

FINALLY we're at the Founder's Ball. We outchea. Sorry, been watching a lot of DJ Khaled's Snapchats lately. Anywho, I like that Cooper is the random emcee of this event. Uh oh, Jennifer showed up wearing the same color dress as Kathryn (red). This could either be a huge deal, or I could be the only one who noticed. Could go either way at this point. But given periwinkle-gate in episode 1, I feel like this could get real.

Patricia said she’d “rather watch a mud wrestling match” than come. COME ON PATRICIA. You’re letting me down.

Landon: Here I am in Dior and diamonds and Shep showed up with my friend Robyn.

COLD. ICE FUCKING COLD, SHEP. Also Robyn is the third person wearing a red dress. AND Robyn and Kathryn both spell their names with unnecessary Y's instead of I's!! COINCIDENCE?! Probably tbh. 

Cameran: Out of all the fish in the big Charleston sea, Shep brings the one that’s friends with Landon.

Like, I don't think Charleston is that big, but I feel you, Cam. Shep becomes more and more of a fuckboy with each episode. I worry for season 4.

Then, when Landon is basically on the verge of tears, Shep is like “Let’s go say hi to Landon.” WHAT A DICK. OH MY GOD. Then he asks her if they’re going to go out afterwards. WOW. Wound, meet salt. Holy fucking crap.

Shep: I told Landon what the nature of our relationships was and if she’s uncomfortable seeing me with someone else that’s on her.

Really Shep? Did you really? Because I seem to remember you sitting there in silence after Landon poured her heart out to you, and then never really addressing it. Like, at all.

Cameran: Thomas called me to apologize but unfortunately the hot mess express left the station for me. Then she slaps on a very good “but that’s none of my business tho” bitch face. Actual footage:

JK it was more like:

Still solid.

Thomas and Kathryn walk in. Kathryn’s avoiding all the girls, the girls are all avoiding Kathryn but making it seem like she’s a bitch for avoiding them, when they’re really all avoiding each other. Very mature shit going on here.

Kathryn sits down at the table and tells Thomas to mingle, which can't end well. Literally it cannot. Thomas says hi to Landon and pats her ass in the process. Like, the camera zooms in on this, there is no lying your way out of this one, T. There are no words for how nuclear Kathryn is about to get. So I will go with this visual interpretation:

Kathryn goes up to Landon like “Hey I think we have a lot to talk about,” and Landon engages her for some unknown reason. Oh right, money. TV time. NVM. Still tho, she should’ve just run away.

Kathryn: First of all, this is not a mean conversation.

Uh-huh. Sure.

Kathryn: You’re fucking insane to me because you propositioned Thomas to stir the pot.
Landon’s voice is getting higher with every passing minute, which obviously Kathryn is only calling out more and more. Kathryn goes from 0 to 100 and calls Landon a dumb-ass bitch who’s playing the victim, or something? Very confused. Apparently to Kathryn, high voice = confession. Kathryn should be a cop.

Meanwhile Landon goes over to Thomas and says that the three of them should all talk. BAD IDEA. Thomas's face says “fuck me.” IDK what to tell you, Thomas. You did it to yourself. Landon says to Thomas, “tell her we never dated” Thomas: “We never dated.” Oh my god I wish I had screenshotted Kathryn’s facial expression. Bravo, where are you now when I need ya?!

Kathryn calls Thomas a liar and freaks out and leaves—so like, pretty par for the course. I’m confused…so either Kathryn knows they dated and just wants Thomas to confirm what she already knows and is kinda putting them both in a trap? Or they never dated but she thinks they did and she won’t take no for an answer? This is fucking insane. What would have happened if Thomas had said they dated? Would Kathryn have gone more or less batshit, or the same? A philosophical quandary for the ages.

Kathryn’s like “fuck all y’all” and bounces. That was quick.

Landon: She runs away because she can’t handle the truth!

Shep follows Kathryn out. It’s your funeral, Shep. Kathryn says nobody knows why she doesn’t like Landon because “she’s not a gossip.” Sure, it’s much better for everyone to think you’re totally bat-shit insane and you hate someone for no reason at all.

Craig joins Landon as her chaperone for this conversation. 


Thomas: We gotta get Jennifer outta there, she’s a troublemaker.

A troublemaker, or she knows too much??

The “I’ve done nothing!” “then you’re fucking crazy” exchange that we’ve all been waiting for all season finally happens.

Bravo, ladies, someone give them an Oscar. Or at least Kathryn. Nice job, girl. IDK how many times y’all had to rehearse that exchange but oh man, it was worth it.

Landon: Listen dahling this is beneath me I’m going home *kisses Craig on the cheek*

Try less, Landon. 

Meanwhile Kathryn’s flinging excuses at Thomas left and right: I know you’ve cheated on me with Jennifer, 18-year-olds, 19-year-olds, God knows who else. Thomas plays the “I don’t know what you’re talking about” card (he’s getting good at that) and Kathryn’s like, “I fucking know you lied to me.” So why are you with him, Kathryn? If he’s such a cheating scumbag just collect your monthly check and go on your way. Like, shit. You’re 24. You’re hot. You don't have to settle for this shit.

CUT TO—and this was done so off-handedly it was quite masterfully done—Shep’s date Robyn say to Shep:


“You think Landon’s ever gonna admit she slept with Thomas?”




I cannot wait for the reunion. But knowing Bravo, half the episode will be bleeped out and Landon and Thomas will refuse to give us any of the details. God damn it. I'm watching season 4, whether I like it or not. 




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