Not that any of you care, but I am on vacation this week and don't have cable, so I’m watching this shit in the morning and I need a full cup of coffee before I begin to delve into this debauchery. Be prepared for even MORE stray shots from me because now I can actually pause what I’m watching to properly roast everyone.
Cameran is trying to get ahold of Shep, meanwhile, he’s drinking “daytime gin,” which is definitely not a thing.
Craig meets up with his former boss because it’s “time to stop running away from his future.” K.
Craig’s trying to brag like “yea now I’m running contstruction for a hotel” and his former boss is like “WHAT! You went to law school fam!” and Craig does a total 180 like “yeah you’re right I’m too smart for this.” Which is debatable. But sure. Craig wants to know it’s not too late for him to be a lawyer and his former boss (who I’m just gonna call his mentor bc I’m taking a leap of faith here/too lazy to keep typing out "former boss") is like, “Well have you…taken the bar?”
Awkward silence ensues.
Mentor: It sounds to me like nothing’s changed. Deep down you must not want to be a lawyer. How can I give you advice when you haven’t done anything to further your career?
Mentor is basically like “You ain’t shit.” Craig is like “I would do anything to be an attorney tomorrow and I would be awesome at it.” Craig is basically you when you were 7 and wanted to be an astronaut. BTW, you'd be so awesome at being a lawyer that you can’t buck up and take the fucking bar exam? Okay. Now I'm seeing glimpses of #OldCraig, and STFU commenters, I’m not going back and watching from the beginning because I have A FUCKING JOB. Also I don't think I can find all the earlier seasons on bravotv.com. But mostly the job thing.
Mentor: Pass the bar and if you mess that up I’m going to be really pissed.
Def not foreshadowing at all.
Shep is drinking a paloma. Good choice. Bailey, who is decidedly NOT DTF, meets up with him.
Shep: Bailey is different than every girl in Charleston because she seems to like me.
Reach for the stars, Shep.
This is an incredibly awkward silence. I can just feel the chemistry from here.
Shep’s like, “Yo, why you not flirting?” Bailey drops the C-bomb: not the word “cunt,” but the fact that she wants commitment. Shep tries to pull the “Well maybe there’s a middle ground because I’m a wild Miley Cyrus stallion aka I can’t be tamed” and Bailey is like “Nah bruh, you done.”
YAS KWEEN. TAKE NO PRISONERS. ACCEPT NO FUCKERY.
Shep, you suck.
Shep: but…but…we can flirt still!
Shep: I want to have my cake and eat it, too which isn’t very fair.
MAN UPPPP YOU ARE PUSHING 40 JESUS H. CHRIST.
Omg Cam’s mom is adorable. Move over, Patricia! JK stay right where you are. LOL loving this dog pillow. I want it for my apartment.
Cam’s mom is like, 70 years old and poss prettier than me.
Cam talks about the baby thing with her mom.
Cam: If I woke up tomorrow and was pregnant I’d be like “OMG my life is over”
Cam’s mom: Well obv you don’t want a kid.
Cam’s mom: There’s nothing wrong with not having a kid. Any fool can have a baby.
Go Cam’s mom! Not exactly Gloria Steinem over here, but I appreciate you not being totally old-fashioned and stuck in the 50’s like the rest of these fools.
Cam greets Shep (who’s probably late tbh) at the house she’s selling with a “Hey, Hollywood!” Can that be my nickname?
Why do I feel like we’ve seen this house before? Why do I feel like I’ve watched this scene before, with Shep clearly talking out his ass and nearly knocking over furniture? Déjà vu.
Shep: See this little compartment was so people could hide their jewels and guns from the Northern scoundrels in the war.
Cameran: …He’s Northern, Shep.
Shep: Oh. Well. Uh. The right side won anyway. Boo slavery, etc.
Shep is the worst bullshitter ever. I hope he wasn’t an English major. This is BAD.
Cam needs to rip Shep a new one.
Cam: I don’t think you really put in the effort.
Shep: No I def didn’t. But I will next time.
Cam: There is no next time.
Shep: Are you firing me?
Shep: Whatevs, I need more time to take more naps.
Kathryn and Thomas take their baby home. His name is Julien because Thomas just HADDDD to sneak the French in there. He’s talking in a fake French accent all the way home. Thomas is LITERALLY my dad. Once my dad decides on a fake accent—Russian, Japanese, 2Chainz impressions, you name it—he is not giving that up for at least the better part of a day.
This baby is really cute though. AND SO TINY OMG.
Shep, JD and some weirdo with a ponytail meet at a bar and JD is still wearing those newsboy caps my dad wears. Why is every man on this show my dad?
Shep hits on the waitress because OF COURSE HE DOES.
Thomas meets up with them and is like low-key delirious sounding. He’s super stoked to have a boy to carry on his name, presumably so he can be the feudal lord and pass down his property and DNA mutations to the generations to come.
I did not want to hear or see any comments about his baby’s balls. Thomas also informs us he’s not circumcizing his baby. I also really do not want to hear Thomas screaming about his cock. AND, I did not want to know that Shep is circumcized. So much unwanted dick info. BRAVO, STOP SCARRING ME.
Whoa dude, I did not realize Thomas was 53. Damn, Kathryn, how deep ARE your daddy issues?
At some restaurant, Shep just asked what a lamb is. Like OK I know some people don’t know what veal is but “Mary Had A Little Lamb”? Did you NEVER ask?
Whitney meets up with him. These people are ALWAYS drinking. IDK why I'm saying this like it's news.
Whitney: I don’t think Shep’s ever been loved.
WHO HURT YOU, SHEP?
Whitney: At some point you gotta ask yourself if you’re ready to hang up the cock.
Shep: Chasing bitches never gets old.
Whitney: Chasing pussy never gets old, but having someone to spend time with is nice.
Thank you, Papabear Whitney. Now please never say the word "pussy" again.
Back at Kathryn’s Julien is being cute af as usual. Move over, Kensie.
In an insane plot twist, Kathryn actually LET Thomas go out the other night. Whoa dude.
Kathryn: If Thomas and I are going to make this work I have to let Thomas be Thomas.
Turns out pregnancy hormones actually make Kathryn MORE sane. Maybe she should have more children?? Wait. Actually. I don't know. This is a real tough one. TBD.
Shep comes over to Landon’s with a bottle of wine.
10 minutes into wine and chill and she gives you this look:
Landon: Seriously, like I’m serious.
Shep: I’m seriously glad to see you taking this serious.
Uh, are the Kardashians here?
Shep tells Landon he’s single, HERE. WE. GO.
Landon: I was kinda jealous when you were getting serious with her.
SHEP, YOU KNOW WHY. YOU CANNOT BE THIS DENSE.
Landon: Maybe I love you
Shep spits out his wine.
Oh this is awkward. POOR LANDON. I’M SO SORRY.
Landon: I’ve loved you for a long time.
Shep: I never knew.
Landon: Don’t be an idiot of course you knew.
Shep: How could I know all we do is laugh and have fun together…
Shep, in gif form:
Landon's dog is literally me right now.
After that rejection, Landon prepares for her meeting with Lockhart wearing a see-through blouse which I’m not sure is the best wardrobe choice. TBD.
Does this guy casually own a home in Charleston or is he staying in a mansion-turned-b&b?
OK I like her little scrapbook but why didn’t she build a website because she said she wanted to make a website?
Andddd that’s the first criticism he has. I should open up a consulting business.
Lockhart: You would get laughed out of the room if you pulled this shit in NY.
Like, this was exactly what he said the last time: Build a prototype. And that’s exactly what you didn’t do. WordPress is free, Landon. Ouch. Two rejections in one ten-minute span. Go have a drink, Landon. You earned (?) it.
Thomas and Kathryn are co-parenting and Thomas was like “you ready for a third one?” and she says “I’m ready for a ring.” Real subtle. It's been like, 5 minutes of you guys being cordial. Maybe chill.
Kathryn: I have my fingers crossed things are going to keep going this way bc this is the family I want.
I hate to be like, un-feminist here, but Kathryn, this is kind of on you. Keep being sane and this could work out.
Thomas thinks Kathryn should cut Jennifer off. Kathryn thinks she’s “pretty good at reading people.” LOL good one.
They’re about to kiss and then Kensie like, almost hurts herself or something. Cock-blocked by their own child. Ouch.
Patricia is preparing some sort of dinner party in honor of Thomas and Kathryn’s new baby. YAS. But like, I wonder if she’s inviting Kathryn? This could get juicy.
Shep bought the baby a little tuxedo which I DEF want to see.
So far no Kathryn. But also no women in general. OK so Patricia is throwing a party honoring the person who literally had to do the least amount of work in order to conceive a child. K.
Craig gives Thomas the gift of condoms. YES CRAIG.
Patricia: All the blue is in honor of Thomas and his recent achievement.
So…you’re throwing a “Great job not pulling out” party? Seriously?
JD asks how Kathryn’s cooking is and Thomas is like “No comment.”
Some dude named Tommy is talking about a Founder’s Ball, setting the stage for some drama to come next episode, because we know the claws come out at black-tie events.
This dinner party is shots fired. JD insults Craig for not doing work, Shep tells everyone Landon confessed her love to him. That’s kind of, like, a dick move.
Patricia’s like, you should go for it.
Patricia: I like that Landon did that. It shows she’s fearless. Shep would be lucky to have her.
Shep: I’m shallow I’m like a puddle when it comes to emotions.
At least he’s self-aware? You know what, no. That’s not good enough anymore.
JD pushes the paternity test issue ONCE AGAIN. Not sure what his dog in this fight is, but okay.
Apparently the last time Thomas took a paternity test for Julien, the results were inconclusive. What the hell does that mean?? Uh oh. Shady McShadeballs.
Craig drops the bomb that at the time of Julien’s conception, Kathryn was dating someone else.
The kid in the top right corner is me rn.
Patricia: Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be the first time she’s told lies. Big-time lies.
DUN. DUN. DUNNNNNN.
Can’t wait for this dinner party next week. It's basically gonna be:
But not in a good way.