Now that basically all the good shows have ended, and I forgot to tune into the first Vanderpump Rules reunion special, it’s about time we do another recap. Enter: Southern Charm. I’m not exactly a Southern betch, but I lived in Atlanta for like 6 years, so I feel like that counts, and if they don’t say “bless your heart” a minimum of 6 times this episode, I won’t be watching a second episode. Please note, I have never watched this show before, but that didn’t stop me with Vanderpump Rules, either. Damn, I wish I had a mint julep for this. Or some moonshine.
Okay we start at some giant family dinner and already I’m feeling like I missed a lot. A guy who appears to be the dad figure gives a “toast” and immediately starts taking shots at some dude for fucking every girl in Charleston. He starts calling someone named Cameron self-righteous and someone named Landon catty, who subsequently denies ever shit-talking Papa Bear up there. I already don’t know you but I’m not buying it, Landon. Wow, what a grace. Let’s eat. Thank you Lord. Uh oh, people are leaving, curse words are flying, and I feel about as lost as a non-white person at a Trump rally. This recap is looking like a bust.
Oh wait, that was a flashback. Phew, I’m good. I see what you’re trying to do, Bravo. Don’t get all fancy on us with the cinematography techniques, we all know what this is.
Alright, let's start from the beginning. We’ve got this girl Cameran (already hate her based on her name spelling alone), who’s taking one of her clients on a boat out as a “thank you.” “Thank you,” SURE. I always take my hot male clients out on romantic boat-related outings to thank them for their business. She’s like “OMG I swear I like, never do this,” and it’s like, sure, sure. Just like I never have one-night stands.
There's this dude Craig, clearly an SAB who’s living at home with his parents while telling other people he’s living the life. OK so we already know he’s a complete fucking liar. Good start, Craig. Can't say I'm surprised he's not truthful, considering Craig has more gel in his hair than the entire Jersey Shore house. Also, how does his mom have a Southern accent if they’re from Delaware? Something’s not adding up. Either way, our boy Craig is headed back to Charleston. #newcraig
Cameran has to pee while on the boat, so naturally she pees in the water and it’s “the lowest point of her life,” aside from the moment she was named.
At the Charleston airport, Craig meets Naomie (god, who names these people?), his girlfriend, who's picking him up. This bitch needs to watch the road, or let someone else drive. They’re moving in together. Plot twist: into her parents’ house. Craig, you’re still a scrub. You played yourself fam.
Cue gratuitous shots of a sign advertising boiled peanuts and green tomatoes, just in case you forgot we’re in the South.
We open with some BSCB redhead, I missed her name, who’s talking about how she took 30 PREGNANCY TESTS when she thought she was pregnant. 30. OK I’m no pharmacist but at $10 a pop wouldn’t it have been cheaper, easier and less fucking weird to just go to the OBGYN? She and her baby daddy, Thomas, are not together—proving that even rich white people can still be ratchet AF.
Some guy named Whitney—I am not making this up, I swear—stops by his mom’s house. She’s complaining about how she had to open her own door and find her own shoes because the butler’s on vacation. THE HORROR. This is like that episode of Fresh Prince where Geoffrey goes on vacation and Hillary can’t function, except this is not a 90's-era Will Smith sitcom, and there are real people who think this way.
I cook pasta for myself every night but I feel like a fucking Rhodes scholar. Wait, it turns out this guy Whitney has a house in Bel Air! Am I awesome at this, or what?
Mom: I’m not gonna get into Kathryn’s pregnancy. They’re both morons.
OK, I'm liking this mom figure already.
Cooper, who has to be the resident GBFF, picks up Kathryn so they can drink cocktails and basically reminisce about the Antebellum. Wait, but like, aren't you pregnant? This bitch is living on an 800 acre plantation, bitching about how Thomas isn’t giving her any of his fortune. Can I like, murder these people?
Mamabear is talking shit about Kathryn not having a job and having two kids out of wedlock. Seems fair. Flashback to Kathryn telling Whitney to fall on a knife. I’m stealing that.
Cooper: We have a certain little world downtown and you kind of swept into it like a hurricane.
Ah, yes. That good ol’ fashioned Southern shadiness. Wouldn’t be a true Southern show without it.
Naomie and Fuckboy are planning a party while drinking champagne, natch. Can I hang out with these people? I hate them, but I feel like their lives are just one giant boozefest. No wonder there’s so much drama.
So Thomas’s new house is bigger than my entire apartment building, and the only non-white people on the entire show so far are the painters. Cool.
Landon comes over (can we please get, like, an infographic on these people’s relationship to one-another because I am just lost) and she is not-very-low-key implying that they are fucking. Thomas has a black eye because some guy head-butted him at a club. Perhaps a sign that middle age is a bit too old to be balling out in VIP. PERHAPS.
Thomas wants to get a court order against Kathryn because apparently in South Carolina if you have a kid out of wedlock, the mother has complete parental control. I’m sorry, is this place a fucking 1950’s time warp? South Carolina legistators, where ya asses at?
So at some point Shep (I believe, Cameran's "client" from earlier?) and Landon are prepping for Craig's party. Landon sure gets around. I mean that both literally and figuratively—she's certainly on the move.
Shep (I think): I don’t even think Craig drinks red wine
Landon (I think, these bitches all look the same): IDK he might, he’s more grown-up these days.
If red wine is a sign of being grown up then I’m fucking 80 years old with great-grandchildren. Also, why is this bitch a compulsive giggler? Lay off the wine before you go into the confessional next time.
Oof okay Kathryn looks terrifying without makeup. Not my fault, watching this show has turned my feminist dial back 50-60 years.
Whitney: Are you gonna fuck Thomas?
Landon: No! (Yes)
It is too early in the episode for me to break out the “why the fuck you lyin’” gifs but here we are.
This party at Craig’s is seersucker central. But again, what did I expect?
My brother watching the show was like, “Didn’t that guy just have a black eye?” and I was like, “No, that was a different guy. I think.” True story.
One of the blonde girls is like, “Wow this is a million dollar-plus property” and you can tell she’s trying to act cool while her panties are getting wet.
Everyone is talking shit about how Craig can afford this place. Spoiler alert: he can’t.
Craig: Idk if me and Shep can be friends again
My brother who’s never even watched this show and doesn’t even understand what it’s about: Well you can’t be friends again, you made a mistake, so fuck you.
The rich get no sympathy.
Whitney: I don’t miss being friends with Thomas because he is fucking nuts.
Thomas is flirting with a senior in college. Cool bro. How old are these people? Because they all look exactly the same and exactly the same age. But yet at the same time you can clearly tell Thomas is like, 50. What is in the water in Charleston?
Kathryn walks into the party and it's obvious she's the Kristen of the show, aka nobody wants her there.
Blondie: When you have nothing nice to say, you just say nothing to their face and talk shit behind their back. That’s what my mama taught me.
Thomas: I know I should talk to her because she’s had my kids and shit but I don’t wanna! *stomps foot*
My bro: He’s very wrinkly.
Fuck it, y’all, my brother is just gonna write these recaps from now on.
Shep pulls Craig over to talk and they toast to #newcraig with some bourbon. Come on, where’s the confrontation? Where's the drama? Where’s the pizzazz?
Apparently Craig thought he was the #1 of the group (he and Jax should talk) and Shep was not chill with it.
Shep: I’m only hard on people I like.
Craig: I think I was just mad you were calling me on my bullshit.
And then they jerked each other off. JK but like, that was the undertone. This is the confrontation we were building up to all episode? Booooo.
It’s dark outside now and I’m kind of impressed for Kathryn for making it at this party this long. Thomas comes over and literally everyone is like, “Awwww here it goes.” But then Thomas starts talking some bullshit about astrology. O...kay?
Thomas: You are a fire sign and our kid is going to be a Sagittarius and I think our auras will mesh but your sign and my sign clash.
He’s bitching about his house being built and Kathryn’s like “bitch please, first world problems.” THANK YOU, somebody on this show, for keeping it 100. OK maybe not 100, maybe like 78. These two are fighting over the color of the walls of their daughter’s nursery. Literally it’s WWIII over periwinkle vs. pink. I’m beginning to see why you aren’t working out as a couple.
Kathryn: Hmm Landon’s wearing a dress that’s periwinkle. COINCIDENCE?
…Uh, yeah. I actually think it is a coincidence.
Thomas puts his hand on her belly and Kathryn is considering her success at biting it off. But she doesn't. Kind of anticlimactic ending, but okay. I will probably stay around for this show, if for no other reason than to make constant Vanderpump Rules comparisons and wait for somebody to say something shadily bigoted. Sorry not sorry.