It’s Monday night again and I already forgot how truly little I give a shit about any of these people. Fuck, why did I sign myself up for an entire season of this shit?
Lol these people need to stop trying to make #NewCraig a thing. We can just call him Craig now.
The show starts off with #Craig asking Naomie where her hairspray is, then applying it liberally. LOL. #NotShocked.
Craig: New Craig is here to stay.
We’ll see how long that lasts. Idk what old Craig was like though, so hard to say.
Shep Face Times his mom (aww). Not too much to report here. Shep lives in his own place where he seduces women and wants to turn his roof into a pool/bar. Not surprised there, either. C’mon Bravo, throw a twist my way.
Shep: I think my mom’s happy. Or she cries herself to sleep every night. Hard to say.
It’s Craig’s first day at his very WASP-y sounding job, which, hold up, actually involves construction and manual labor. Oh, turns out I was very wrong about the nature of this company. Whoops. JD tells Craig he usually keeps a change of clothes/spare pair of jeans in his office for the construction and it’s like, you think that’s something you should tell someone before they show up to work in a three-piece suit.
Cameran shows up to Shep’s house (I know these people are friends but it’s weird to me that they’re always hanging out with each other, am I wrong?)
Cameran: I texted you at 11am, why didn’t you answer, what time did you wake up?
Shep: I only wake up early for fishing and sex. Did I mention sex? Because I have it.
Cam’s trying to take Shep under her real estate-selling wing. That’s nice of her, but like, I don’t get why.
Cam: Women are the decision-makers, not the men.
Shep: Don’t I know it.
Cam: Shep can meet a girl and within 10 minutes, convince her to go to bed with him.
OKAY WE GET IT. SHEP IS THE PLAYBOY OF CHARLESTON. God stop beating me over the head with this, y’all are going to give me a concussion for fuck’s sake.
Kathryn calls up Thomas because she’s looking at houses in his neighborhood, and then he’s like, “Uhh ok I guess you can come over” and she’s like “Great bc I’m already here!” Kind of a Taylor Swift move. Batshit alert.
Kathryn, weren’t you bitching last episode about having no money? How can you afford a house?
Kathryn: So I found this place and I’ve already put in my deposit and first month’s rent.
BITCH tell me again about how broke you are.
Kathryn asks Thomas to be her co-signer and he’s like “no thanks,” and she’s like “I assumed you’d be my co-signer.” Sure, that’s a normal thing to assume.
Kathryn: It’s not about money for me, it’s about me not looking like total shit compared to their rich dad.
I….I’m sorry, I don't think that’s a legitimate claim.
After a lot of back-and-forth, Thomas agrees to all this for…some reason I can’t pinpoint. Not sure where he did that 180, but it happened. Thomas invites her to a polo match.
Kathryn: It feels like making a deal with the Devil.
Yeah, he invited you to watch Polo, in exchange for helping you BUY A HOUSE, how fucking horrible. What a monster!! Starting to see why everyone hates Kathryn. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I really tried.
Finally our main betch Patricia gets some screen time. She’s meeting with some party planner about her flamingo party.
Patricia: One day I was lying in my pool, looking at my flamingo float, and I said, why not have a flamingo party?
Anyone else think flamingo party sounds like a gay pride event? Just me?
Patricia: I was offered a book deal on Southern entertaining because I’m so good at throwing parties.
Goals. Cue an unnecessary and very unnatural-sounding plug for Patricia’s book, disguised as normal conversation. Meh, I’d buy it, or at least browse it for a good 15 minutes at Barnes & Noble and ultimately put it back.
Shep meets up with Cameran and is hungover because he “met some girl” at the bar last night. Cue a montage of Shep hooking up with 22-year-olds at bars like a true upstanding Southern gentleman. OK I’m sorry, but he’s like, not that hot to be this sleazy, am I right?
Yeah I am totally buying that Cameran actually eats fried chicken when they’re not forcing her to do it on camera. Not.
Landon plays golf with her dad—surprisingly the first golf course we’ve seen so far, I think. She’s been playing golf with her dad “her whole life,” but she still sucks at it. It’s okay, Landon, you have your totally real art career.
Landon: My dad has never been that hard on my life choices, he just wants me to do what makes me happy.
MUST BE NICE.
Dad: What are you working on these days?
Landon: I want to open up a bourbon bar that’s members only, in the meantime I’m working on an online magazine for gentlemen of leisure and ladies who lunch…
Dad: *Crunches on a carrot*
Dad: Pick one idea.
Landon: I’m tired of everyone telling me I can’t have 50 dreams. I want to do it all!
Landon: One day I feel like I can conquer the world and the next day I can’t get out of bed.
I think she literally just described bipolar disorder or at least, cyclothymia (yeah, I took Psychology 101) and so I feel slightly bad making fun of someone who very well might be mentally ill.
Dad: But you need to pay bills today tho.
Landon: I don’t expect you to bail me out all the time but can I have money pleaseeeee?
Landon IS Mona Lisa Saperstein.
Dad: I want you to be happy, but to just give you money is not fair.
Landon is literally bawling on camera because she’s 30 years old without a real job and her dad isn’t bailing her out this time. I do not even feel one bit bad for her. Except about possibly being manic-depressive. That I feel bad about. Damn it, now I feel like a shitty person for making fun of her. YOU WIN THIS ROUND, LANDON.
After a commercial break in which I contemplated my choices and my likelihood of going to hell, Kathryn calls Thomas to tell him that she found out about the flamingo party.
Thomas: Maybe it was an oversight but you should definitely be there.
Thomas: I know it was not an oversight. Patricia hates Kathryn. But it’s not all about Patricia.
Uhh except that this is Patricia’s party, so, it definitely is all about her??
Cameran is going ring shopping with Craig and I think it’s kind of cute that Cameran is like the mother hen to all these fuckboy Charleston boys. You go, Cam. Teach them the ropes. Just maybe not how to cook a roast.
Craig: I think I’m looking for a pre-engagement ring.
So he’s buying her a promise ring but played it up like it was an engagement ring. Cool bro. Cool.
His budget for the promise ring is $3000. Dude what. Can't WAIT to see how this plays out, like Naomie is going to either be over the moon or raging mad with no in-between.
Cam: Naomie is way out of his league so he wants to lock her down now.
Yeah, lock her down, except not actually asking her to marry him. So like, the fuckboy version of "locking her down."
Thomas gets ready to go to Patricia’s house, using a hot pink clarisonic! I actually missed that detail but my bestie watching the show pointed that out to me. #stopwhitepeople. That’s from the both of us.
Thomas goes to Patricia’s house to beg for Kathryn’s forgiveness because I guess she can’t fight her own battles. Damn, even Kristen and Stassi did their own respective apology tours, this is pathetic. Side note, this is not going to end well because Patricia don’t take no shit.
Thomas: I think a lot of women understand social etiquette and manners but not Kathryn. I have to deal with it because she’s the mother of my children though.
I mean, that's admirable, but I'm still not really seeing how this is your battle. But sure. You're a better person than me, Thomas.
When he opens the door, Patricia’s butler Michael literally says, “Thomas, I haven’t seen you in a hen’s age.” What does that mean? Do hens live a long time? Someone please help me understand this reference.
Thomas gives Patricia a candle and she’s like, “OK, what does he want?”
Thomas: What have you been doing lately besides being beautiful and charming?
SMOOTH MOVE, EX-LAX.
Patricia: K what do you want, fr.
Thomas: Kathryn wants to repair her friendships and with you.
Patricia: Frankly I can’t take that chance cause that bitch cray. As far as I’m concerned she doesn’t exist for me.
Thomas: It would save me a lot of stress
Patricia: I’m not buying it.
YASS PATRICIA. SLAY QUEEN.
Patricia: She should take care of her baby and not worry about getting invited to parties.
Patricia Whatever-her-last-name-is for President 2016. Sorry Donald.
K, we’re at the Polo field where white people are acting very white.
Kathryn loads up the car—the Maserati, I might add. Tell me one more time about how broke you are, though.
Kathryn: I feel like God gives kids to two people because you need two kids to take care of a kid.
True, but yet you also need only one person to be diligent about birth control for you not to get pregnant, and you both failed. Just saying.
Wow, polo is not all that exciting.
Some lady named Elizabeth has been spurned by Katherine, I guess. She’s the godmother and is salty Kathryn’s been ignoring her. Whatever, don’t care that much.
Kathryn, on the other hand, thinks they dumped her when she broke up with Thomas. IDK we’re not getting the full story here. Do I smell a victim complex?
Kathryn gets to the polo field and sees Elizabeth and JD.
Kathryn: I have a child here. Why did Thomas invite people?
Does she not realize Polo is a team sport tho? Kathryn’s “about to literally have a panic attack”—when did this show become the poster for mental illness?
My friend: This show should be called When Rich White People Skip Their Meds.
Kathryn’s like, “No! This is not okay!” and this spirals into “Thomas has never kept a single promise he’s made me.” Like whoa, this show just took a dark turn. Kathryn, you need therapy, girl.
Kathryn: Welp, smiling faces, beautiful places. Welcome to South Carolina.
I think we’ve just found the tagline for this show. Can we get this on T-shirts, too? Cause I’d legit buy that, even though I've never even been to South Carolina.
Kathryn: For him to even put me in this situation that we’re in is so fucked up.
Yea, for Thomas to put you around a bunch of people who are acting happy to see you. He’s literally Satan.
Kathryn comes out of the port-a-potty and all these people are playing with her child and she’s like, “Are you serious? No! No! I’m done!”
Kathryn flips her shit and leaves. There are not enough WTF gifs for me to accurately capture my reaction. But I'll settle for this one:
JD and Elizabeth are like “WTF is going on? I’m confused.” Me too, guys. Me too.
Jen: When Kathryn is struggling emotionally, it’s like a nuclear fallout.
Kathryn is like, “I need to get Kensie out of here, she can’t be around this drinking.” Because I guess she had to pick some excuse to throw a tantrum.
Elizabeth is like, “We can absolutely get rid of the alcohol Kathryn, whatever you need just tell us,” and Kathryn’s like “fuck you, you horrible people, we are leaving!!!”
So like...the baby is infinitely more well-behaved than her own mother. Gonna let that sink in.
Jen: Is Thomas cool with you leaving?
Kathryn: Who cares, I have full custody.
Ah, there it is. So this is really a thing she regularly pulls. I gotta say, I doubted you the first two episodes, Thomas, but now I believe you.
JD: I have no idea what Kathryn was upset about but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t seen this before. So…here we go again.
I genuinely feel bad for Thomas, but this is why you don’t stick your dick in crazy. Unprotected. And then have another kid with crazy.
Thomas: Kathryn’s emotions are driving her and everyone around her insane.
Thomas is like, “Kathryn was pissed but it’s inexcusable that she punished Kensie for it.” And yeah, I kind of agree. I feel like a custody suit might be coming later on in the season. I would support it.
Thomas: There needs to be consequences. She needs to be hit where it hurts. I’m going to take away her house.
Dramatic, but I can’t say it’s not totally deserved. Oh boy, this is gonna get good. And by good I mean horribly, horribly bad.