Southern Charm Recap: Shepic Fail

Man, what would I do without my Mondays if I didn’t get to almost forget to tune in to Southern Charm because I get too caught up in Shark Tank? Damon, Robert, Lori—call me. Not because I have a business venture, but because I want to chill with you guys. Mark can come too. And Barbara, if she brings cookies. Basically anyone but Kevin.

Anyway. We open the show with a nearly-naked Thomas, which is something I hoped I’d never see. Good to know manscaping is not a thing in Charleston. Put that chest hair away!

Somebody fucked up Patricia’s sofa at the party. AKA somebody with a huge ass is not getting invited back next time. Can I take their place??

Craig is moving in with Naomie and is like “it’s almost like being on the run.” Uh, in what way? Because I know when I go on the run from the law I don't hire a fucking mover.

Naomie: How was the party was there any drama?
Craig: I kind of accidentally started it

Naomie and Craig argue about if Kathryn should’ve been invited to Patricia's party, like it matters because a) it's not either of their decisions and b) it already happened so what's even the use? Oh yeah, screen time. Naomie is team Patricia (keeper). We find out Whitney really hates Kathryn. So apparently before I knew this show existed, Shep fucked Kathryn, but Shep DGAF and sleeps with everyone. But, PLOT TWIST, so did Whitney!! And unlike Shep, Whitney is not a total fuckboy so he actually gave two shits about her and is salty that she chose Thomas in the end. Ahh, it's all starting to make sense. I think I'm going to make a diagram of everyone Kathryn has had relations with on this show. Should be pretty easy because it's every dude except Cooper (probably) and Michael, Patricia's butler.

Craig: When I first came here I was super into trophies, so I hooked up with Kathryn.

Naomie, are you taking notes here? Craig thinks of women as trophies. You sure about this relationship? It's not too late to change your mind.

Who the fuck is this Larissa person that Whitney is on the phone with and calling “babe?” Is everybody else cool that they just randomly sprung this on us with no intro or warning? Whitney’s like, "You better come, don’t back out on this"…I have no fucking clue what's going on but I get the distinct feeling Whitney might be the victim of a catfish? Whitney, if she says the words "Western Union," RUN. 

Kathryn meets up with Cooper at lunch. I think she’s the only person in Charleston to be wearing jeans, let alone ripped jeans. *clutches pearls*

Kathryn got a new Birkin bag THAT SHE BOUGHT HERSELF. Buys Birkin bag…can’t afford her own rent….sure. Makes sense.

Edit: I just looked it up and fuck you, Kathryn. I could afford over a year’s worth of rent in a Manhattan apartment for the amount a Birkin bag is worth. Miss me with your bullshit.

Edit 2: Ok I apparently missed the part where she said it was fake. Apologies for my previous edit, but the sentiment still stands. Like, let me get this straight: you're buying a Birkin bag to "keep up with appearances" but then you’re buying a fake one and you think these Charleston biddies won’t notice? K, K, I can see that you didn’t really think this through. I get that, pregnancy brain is a thing. Does China Town do returns? Let's hope.

Cooper called Patricia’s party “tacky” so it looks like there will be two openings at her next shindig so I’m bringing a +1!

Kathryn is talking about Patricia and is like, “Why is she so obsessed with me?”

Cooper: Patricia Altschul sees a little bit of herself in our Carolina wildcat.

I can neither confirm nor deny that but I can tell you that you're an idiot for saying shit like this on camera and at the same time hoping to ever show your face in this town again. 

It takes Patricia 2 days to recover from a hangover. Same, Patricia. Same.

Patricia: Whitney’s beard makes me think of men working on the docks.

Gonna come back to this comment.

Edit: Okay, I'm back. I hope this show is still on when Whitney has kids and Patricia gives up on the allusions and just fully embraces being your intolerant grandma.

They rehash the Cooper/Kathryn thing, y’all already know what the situation is, no need for me to retell it for ya. Patricia says Cooper is never getting invited to another one of her soirees. Hear that, Cooper? YA DONE GOOFED. You committed social suicide. RIP.

Meanwhile I'm sure somewhere Patricia be like:

Cooper doesn’t trust Jennifer because she lied to Kathryn about sleeping with Thomas. Yeah, totally fair, but Kathryn’s going to ignore it because she really just needs a friend. Damn, that's bleak.

Kathryn: Jennifer and I are two strong women who don’t judge people

Uh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that but you do you, boo boo.

Bailey, the one girl from Charleston who went to Coachella and won’t fucking shut up about it, brings an easel over to Shep’s. Is she gonna be like, “paint me like one of your French girls”? I sure hope so tbh.

Shep: Bailey and I haven’t done the DTR but she’s definitely DTF.

Oh Shep. How long did it take you to come up with that one? Bailey, I hope you aren't around next episode, because I sure as hell wouldn't be if my man fuckboy called me loose on national television.

Bailey’s painting shep with his surfboard—fully clothed though. Mildly disappointing. They could at least PRETEND like they're attracted to each other.

Whitney (who is getting way more screen time so they MUST have listened to me, score) meets Landon at this thrift shop. Landon’s throwing Shep a roller skating party because she sooo doesn’t want to date him. Landon divulges that Shep wants her to invite Kathryn.

Landon: Kathryn just walks into a room and the life force is just sucked out.

Maybe she should get a part-time job as a dementor, just a thought. Maybe then she could afford a real Birkin.

Landon: But we can’t drink at the roller rink. Something about liability and us poss dying. But DW we can pregame.

Whitney is like, "UGH but ok I guesssss" and tbh I can't blame him.

The producers film Shep walking through his neighborhood for some reason.

Shep: Just hanging out in the hood

…As he walks through a perfectly fine neighborhood in the middle of the damn afternoon. Shep really thinks he lives in the ghetto when really it’s just like, a not-multi-million-dollar plantation. Gotta love these people.

Cameran is mentoring Shep through her next listing. I just really wanna know who put her up to this. I know Cam’s beautiful and sweet and all but turning a ho into a housewife seems like a lot of work for something she’s not getting paid for.

They make an agreement about splitting her commission if Shep finds a buyer and seal it with a spit shake, as one does.

My friend Jess: I live for Cameran. She just lives her life, doing her thing, spitting in her hand, talking with a mouthful of food.

We are all Cameran. Minus maybe the hand-spitting thing. IDK, I prefer blood oaths if I’m going to seal a business deal in a bodily fluid.

Naturally, the conversation turns from business to Shep's love life, as it tends to do.

Shep: Bailey’s cool, like she’s really easy and just slips right into the crowd...
I’m sorry but my mind is going to all sorts of innuendos. I can't be the only one. I CAN'T.

Cam: I heard you wanna get married and have 3 kids and live on the beach.
Cut to: This actually happened. Well, I’ll be damned.

Shep said he will freak out if he’s 40 and not married with kids. Which we learn is 4 years away. HOLY FUCK SHEP IS 36?!?! Suddenly the entire show comes into perspective. As does my life. Holy crap. If Shep looks 40 how old do I look? Wait I know the answer. 16.

Kathryn’s moving into her new place. Nice promo, Two Men And A Truck. Wow, she is very visibly pregnant. I feel like that was fast. Have I not been paying attention, or has she just been wearing really flattering dresses? Equal probability of both, honestly.

Kathryn: Thomas’s house might be bigger but mine is a home. His is an empty house.

Literally, Kathryn finds the most petty thing to be petty about and then she out-petties all expectations. I feel like that’s almost a skill at this point.

Also LOL her idea of a "home" is a glitter sign hanging in her kitchen.

Anywho, at Craig's Naomie's parents' house, the two lovebirds are about to Netflix and chill, but like, the unsexy kind. Are the producers just TRYING to make this show the opposite of sexy?

Craig: Ugh please no packing I just wanna do couch stuff all day

Yes Craig, you get me.

Craig’s basically running the construction of a hotel, which makes me a little nervous. He wants to work in the bourbon division and do their PR. Who doesn’t want to do PR for a fucking bourbon company? Also, let's discuss JD for a second.

My friend Jess (who is becoming a regular character in these recaps, so get used to it): JD is that frat bro who never grew up but somehow managed to make a fuckton of money doing shit like making a line of bourbons and opening a random-ass hotel. 

That is...shockingly accurate. Who is JD? How did he make his fortune? What's his line of bourbon called? What fraternity was he previously the pledge master of? I would like all of these questions and more personally answered. You all know where I tweet.

Kathryn stops by Danni’s place, where Danni’s like, "I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I wanted you to reach out to me but you haven’t." Do these people not realize this is a two-way street? We all have phones. It's 2016. You don't have to sit by your rotary phone hoping he'll call back like it's the 50's.

Danni: People are scared to get too close to you because you’re batshit crazy and we don’t know WTF will set you off.
PSA: Not much has changed, Danni/Kathryn.

Kathryn: Maybe my life is too up in the air and that scares people.

Sure, your “life” is what’s up in the air. Not your attitude/emotional stability. I mean, okay, I suppose both statements are accurate. I'll give you one.

Danni’s like, "you need to approach people." So here we go with Kathryn’s Apology Tour 2K16. Is it a coincidence that this lines up perfectly with Justin Bieber’s apology tour? That’s not for me to decide.

Kathryn to friends:

Landon visits Thomas at the new place.

Landon: Thomas’s style is old-world masculine.

And I think off-screen she probably goes to change her underwar bc she’s v turned on by his aesthetic. Which would be understandable, if I hadn't seen the sweater he calls chest hair just mere moments ago.

Landon tells Thomas about Shep’s party, Thomas asks if she invited Kathryn and she’s like “why do you want to know?” Very subtle. Landon claims when she goes out Kathryn won’t even look in her direction. IDK I think it kinda goes both ways, as I said. Apparently Kathryn hates Landon because Thomas took a picture with Landon holding a pineapple. Not a metaphor, not an innuendo, like literally we have a How I Met Your Mother straight-up pineapple incident on our hands. This is all so weird and childish. Like, can't you guys just admit you don't like someone because you don't like them, without having to invent a totally nonsensical reason? Whatever. Not my life.

So now Landon wants to run a travel website, which, if you're keeping track, was not a single one of her original ideas. Basically she doesn’t know WTF her next move is. Just another day in the life.

It’s now just occurred to me that we’ve never once met Cameran’s husband. Curious. Meanwhile, Kathryn calls Cameran to ask her out for coffee or lunch and the apology tour begins!! Cameran’s like, “thanks but no thanks.” Cold AF.

Cameran’s like, "The past two years have been the Thomas and Kathryn show" and she’s now the second person this episode to use that phrase. There you have it, Kathryn and Thomas: everyone has been talking shit about you guys incessantly.

Cam keeps trying to let Kathryn down gently and she is not getting it. It’s kind of painful, but at the same time amazing. I feel like all the ladies in the following gif sum this experience up pretty accurately:

Kathryn: I wasn’t asking you to be my BFF and take selfies and have sleepovers in our pajamas. I was asking you for coffee, chill tf out, don’t flatter yourself.

Somebody’s salty. Lesson learned: This ain’t Vanderpump Rules. You don't just half-ass an apology and get welcomed back to the wedding party with open arms. If you treat your friends like shit, it has consequences.

Landon got Shep balloons for his party that spells out SHEPIC. Lol. I for one am just glad they aren’t building this party up over the course of 3 episodes.

Shep: I can’t believe I’m rollerskating, we used to beat the shit out of the kids who rollerskated. Gosh, it’s like Landon doesn’t even know me at all.

Okay, NOW I get how you’re 36, because that’s probably the youngest you could feasibly be if you went rollerskating as your actual pastime and not ironically.

I love that they have a party bus, AKA a short bus that’s painted all psychedelic. AKA the same “party buses” that we’d take to sorority and frat formals. Classy.

Shep showed up on time to his own party and is the first person there. Ouch. And he didn’t even pregame. Amateur move, Shep.

Landon: Tonight’s all about you.

Shep: Except for the fact that I hate all of this shit.

Shep calls himself a renegade because he used to skateboard.

Shep: I invited Kathryn because I’m not Whitney, I’m not Thomas, I’m a man. I don’t hold grudges.

Wouldn't be an episode of Southern Charm without some stray shots. Cameran tells it like it is and is like, “there’s a lot of enthusiasm for an unenthused birthday boy.”

Someone’s like, “I guess I’m having Jello for dinner” and Landon is like, “We also have vodka!!!” Seems like a well-balanced dinner to me, IDK.

Landon says Kathryn “didn’t make the bus” and we all know that’s not true, homegirl just straight-up didn't invite her. How middle school. Which I guess is very fitting considering the theme of the party. See guys? Landon wasn’t being shady. She was just sticking to the theme. That's true commitment.

Shep is sooooo fucking pissed that Landon threw him a party at a place that doesn't serve alcohol, because now who will he make out with at the end of the night?

Cam: It’s non-American to throw Shep a party without beer. She screwed the pooch.

Yes. I was hoping we’d get another dog metaphor. This show does not disappoint.

Meanwhile, Craig is low-key good at rollerskating. NERD ALERT. Shep is openly like “this sucks” and like, ok I’m not a huge Landon fan but suck it the fuck up, at least she fucking organized something for you. But then Shep eats it, so KARMA. Landon is going to be so crushed when she watches this episode. I hope you apologized in advance, Shep.

Cam’s talking about how Kathryn offended Whitney and Craig is like “hmmm when did this happen?” clearly trying to stir shit up. I SEE YOU, CRAIG. Cut to Kathryn calling Whitney a nasty motherfucker for going to a strip club when she was 9 months pregnant. O..kay...IDK I need more info to reach a verdict. Craig presses Cam for details and Cameran sings “I don’t give a shit, Iiiii’m out” and throws up a deuce and skates away. Stealing that and buying rollerskates just so I can use this in the future.

Bailey unveils her painting and Landon calls it “incredibly shitty.” There are multiple layers to her jealousy; this show is actually quite complex.

I just saw JD’s nipple, which was the second body part from somebody this episode that I didn’t wanna see. Everyone’s calling Kathryn furiously, aka being fake AF by pretending they give a shit whether she lives, dies, or shows up to this party. Turns out, as we knew, Landon didn’t invite Kathryn. Well she really didn’t think this through, did she not think this would come back to her, since, you know, everything these people say and do is recorded for our viewing pleasure? Nah, she just didn’t give a shit. But like come on, is Kathryn really going to go rollerskating when she’s 9 months pregnant? I hope not. She should have at least gotten an invite, though. Damn Landon, Shep ALREADY hated you for this party. You dug yourself a pretty sizable grave there.

Landon is lying through her fucking teeth saying that she invited Kathryn and everyone through text. I'm uncomfortable watching this sinking ship go down.

Landon: Even when Kathryn’s not around she still fucking ruins a good time. But like, Brutus is just as pretty as Caesar, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar...

Tune in next time, when Landon gets herself even further into Shep’s dog house (not a metaphor) and Kathryn maybe gets invited to an event for once? The divide in this group is giving me life. 




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