Southern Charm Recap: The End Of Western Civilization

Welcome back to another week of wealthy white people acting completely out-of-touch with reality. I’m running on approximately 3 hours of sleep, plus I caught a tequila-induced cold/sinus infecion from going too hard at a T-Pain concert last Wednesday, so I do not have the patience for this shit. And yet, here I am. The things I do for you loyal readers. It’s a thankless job, being an anonymous internet writer, I’ll tell ya that.

Anywho. Since I think alcohol might literally kill me at this point, I’m ready with my tea infused with tons of Splenda—aka the poor/Northern betch’s sweet tea. Gotta keep to the theme. Also, I’ve already forgotten everybody’s names. Oops.

Oh wow this recap is helpful, wish I’d started paying attention earlier. Too late.

All this opening B-roll is annoying and unnecessary.

Alright, action, here we go. We start at Cameran's place.

Cameran: I would consider myself a modern Southern woman because I enjoy working.

Yeah, I would enjoy working too if I could do it from the comfort of my luxury home everyday. Just sayin'.

Cameran decides to have a dinner party for no apparent reason and calls it a “domestication dry-run.” Yes, because calling your husband to pick you up a new printer cartridge makes you soooo modern and out of touch with domesticated life.

Kathryn is sitting on her kitchen floor in front of the open fridge, lamenting the direction her life has taken. Same, girl.

Kathryn: It baffles me people think I’m a gold-digger when I’m struggling. *lives at home on a multiple-acre plantation*

We see shots of Thomas trying to sound like a good father while playing with his daugther—but not without showing off his French knowledge, because that seems really necessary and relevant.

We find out Thomas has been giving Kathryn $2,500 per month. Per month! And she’s complaining that she’s struggling. Wowowowow. Just so you all know, I did the math and that comes out to $30,000 annually. Not bad considering 1) she's not paying taxes on that shit and 2) that is literally money she gets just for breathing. Kathryn complains to her friend that it’s not enough to cover everything and to move out. Granted, I don’t have a baby and I’m not pregnant so I guess I can't really be the judge of that, but here's an idea: if the money your baby daddy isn't paying you isn't enough to provide for your children, why don't you get this little thing literally every other single mom has? You know, a JOB? Lol nah, who am I kidding. A job is clearly beneath her.

We find out Kathryn’s friend Jennifer also hooked up with Thomas because he told her they weren’t together at the time.

Shady McShadester alert. Wait, you mean a guy who refuses to wrap it up isn’t an upstanding Southern gentleman? Color me shocked. Of all the things Kathryn could fly off into a rage about, though, this isn't one of them. Just when you think you know a person.

Shep (or Craig??) comes over to Landon’s apartment. Landon insists she's a “starving artist” and thus only has “starving artist” foods, like hummus and carrots. I just… I’ll come back to how ridiculous this is in a minute.

Landon: I’ve never had to think about money and now I’m in dire straights to figure out my financial future. 

...She says while drinking wine out of a huge glass in her immaculately decorated apartment. 

Landon: I don’t want to take some mundane job because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do.

OMG tell me again about how artsy and misunderstood you are, Landon. 

Then she invites Shep (Shep, right??) to the most boring “Netflix and chill” date ever. Because she literally says she’s planning on watching a movie and passing tf out on the sofa. Doesn’t she know that you save that kind of honesty for like, month six of dating? Homegirl needs to read our book. Still not convinced she's not trying to fuck every dude on this show, for the record.

All things considered, Landon has just skyrocketed to my least favorite person on the show. This hatred is giving me life. But like, the kind of life that ends prematurely due to hypertension.

At his Naomie's place, #NewCraig Skypes his parents, telling them he’s about to take the bar even though—unless I misunderstood this part, which, is def possible—he shadily didn’t finish all his requirements and can't even take the bar for a couple months. Can we get like a My Cousin Vinny-esque spinoff starring the Craigster pretending to be a lawyer? Please?

Cameran visits Patricia at her mansion. She introduces her to Anna, her new intern, who has a hedgehog. What does this lady do that she needs an intern? Wait, is this girl just like, an unpaid butler since, as I recall, the real butler is away on vacation? Is that legal?

Cameran invites Patricia to her dinner party.

Patricia: I’m curious how you’re gonna pull that off.
Cameran: I was thinking like a Crock Pot? Hot pockets?

Patricia is like, "LOL, hire a caterer, ain't nobody got time for that," and Cameran is like, "Tru, you right." So much for proving she’s domesticated.

Probably the best part of the episode arrives in the form of us learning Craig’s brother owns a company called Gentry HQ, because of course. Craig casually writes a $15,000 check as his investment. “Must be nice” count: 63. Not sure what this company does, btw. Luxury bow ties? Hair pomade? Don’t care.

Shep shows up to a bar, awkwardly shakes the door guy’s hand and pretends that he concerns himself with the names of the help. Good one, Shep.

Craig: I feel like Shep is still acting like a college frat star.

I MEANNNN….. Are we really doing this, Craig? While you have enough grease in your hair to put a Texas oil refinery out of business?

Shep: It’s just fun sharpening your knife every now and then on a night out on the town.

Interesting sex euphemism. Frightening, but vivid imagery. The girl Shep’s talking to is like, “Get me a beer,” and he’s like, “OK what kind?” and she’s like, “the beer-y kind.”

AND THEN THEY ORDER SHOTS OF GOLDSCHLAGER. Goldschlager: for the asshats who think they're too classy for Fireball. 

Cameran goes to meet a woman  named Suzanne, aka “the modern day Mary Poppins.” Basically, she teaches women how to be housewives. You know what, I kind of respect that. Teaching people how to read the label for a cracker box to make sure the crackers don't already come with cheese in them (true story) is a tough job, and somebody’s gotta do it.

Cue the self-deprecating jokes from Cameran about how her husband’s going to leave her because she’s not pregnant right now and can’t cook, but like, you know by the way she's saying it that this is coming from a place of truth. Who hurt you, Cameran?

Whitney and Patricia meet Thomas…somewhere…and he’s already showing off his terrible French accent. This is so cringe-y. I doubt this waiter even speaks French. Like, I highly doubt that French fluency is a requirement for working in a French restaurant in fucking South Carolina. Thomas is that annoying girl from your pledge class who went to Paris for a week and captions all her Instagram pictures in grammatically incorrect French.

Thomas is bitching about Kathryn being a manipulative psycho, nothing new here.

Whitney: I feel bad for Thomas, except, wait, no I don’t because he dug his grave and now he has to lie in it. SUCKA!

Kathryn’s going to see a house and is like, “All I need is a bedroom, two nurseries, a huge backyard and marble countertops, and my budget is $750.” Wait, when did this become an episode of Property Brothers?

Jennifer pulls a classic party foul and asks Kathryn if she was invited to Patricia’s flamingo party.  Kathryn’s like, “Uhh…no?” and Jen’s like, “Oh. Shit. Uhhh...Maybe check your spam folder?” Sure, Jen. That’s totally what happened. A+ on the save.

After the commercial break, Cameran’s polishing some tables. Good on you, Cam. Getting the hang of this domesticity thing. We learn Cameran has never used a sauce pan, and low-key does not even know what it is. How have you never used a sauce pan in two years? What do you eat? Oh, right. Air. She also literally does not know how to use a pepper grinder. Icing on the cake (which Cam wouldn't know how to do anyway) is Suzanne telling her to sauté some green beans and Cameran looking at her like she has three heads. Damn, when you said you “couldn’t cook,” I thought you meant it in like the cute, “I can boil water and make scrambled eggs because I’m forever a college student” kind of way. Not the “literally, what is stove?” kind of way. Bless her heart.

It’s 30 minutes to the dinner party and Cameran’s overcooked that giant hunk of meat. I take it all back; maybe we should have gone with the Crock Pot scenario after all. Is it too late now to order a pizza? Patricia is a true woman of class, having her—husband? Butler? Gentleman friend? Butler.—bring her martini fixings in an old school, 1930’s-Europeans-colonizing-Africa-type briefcase.

Cameran: So I’m supposed to do this thing called “carve” the meat…? So are we talking like, Jack O’Lantern smiley face situation or….?
Butler: You literally slice it...are you really asking this.

Cam, never change.

Craig and Naomie visit Kathryn’s and let the cat out of the bag about Cam’s dinner party, yet another event to which Kathryn was not invited. Ouch. Does nobody get the cardinal rule of not asking people if they were invited to shit if you're unsure??

Kathryn: I can’t express it in words, but, it sucks.
Aww, baby’s first words. Yayyyyy!
Kathryn: It’s just not fair, like, why everyone associates me with Thomas and that drama of the past. I’m not like that anymore.

….She says as she is literally pregnant with Thomas’ second child out of wedlock and hitting him up for more of his money, as my friend who live-texts this show with me pointed out. Y’all make the Vanderpump Rules cast look like fucking psychologists. Ugh, I miss them. At least their batshit-ness doesn't affect the lives of young children.

Craig volunteers to be the go-between and see if he can get Kathryn an "in" back into the group. I guess Craig’s gotta get his charity write-off in before he files his taxes, because I can’t think of another single reason why anyone would willingly insert themselves into this hot mess and risk social suicide.

Patricia brought her own place cards to the dinner party because she knew Cam couldn't be trusted to cover all the details. God, she is the epitome of class. I love this woman.

People start filing in. Who is this Danni girl? Cameran keeps shadily calling out people for barging into her house without knocking. Girl, you don’t even know how to preheat an oven, AND you forgot the place cards. You’re not in a position to criticize anyone's etiquette.

Landon: If there’s a pretty girl in Charleston under the age of 35, there’s a good chance Shep already knows and has hooked up with her.
Cut to: Shot of Landon looking over at Shep and his new boo thang, trying in vain to hide her rampant jealousy. 

New girl Danni took Patricia’s end piece. DRAMA!!!!

Shep: Cam’s from Anderson, South Carolina, and she’ll never get that out of her blood.

...He says as if the rest of the country knows WTF that’s supposed to even mean. Sorry, nope.

Very quickly the conversation turns to basically asking every guy at the table when he’s going to propose to his S.O. Great dinner conversation, can’t see what can go wrong here. How many of these guys are going to be in the dog house after the dinner party ends?

Patricia: Women make themselves so available. You can email someone an emoji a glass of wine, they come over and have sex and leave…it’s the end of Western civilization as far as I can tell.

Oh, Patricia. Everyone knows the eggplant emoji is the sex one. God love ya.

Craig asks how come Kathryn and Thomas weren’t invited.

Cameran: I don’t want to have them in my house and risk any drama.

Craig passes along Kathryn’s apology tour message and everyone’s like, “Bitch please. Bitch needs to focus on her child, not getting back in the group.” Whoooops. You tried, Craig. You tried.

Patricia: Every time Kathryn’s gone to a party, there’s been a late arrival [the horror], a tizzy fit, she’s giving people the finger [DOUBLE HORROR]… that’s why I didn’t invite her to the Flamingo party. Also, I want pretty people there.

Beware of stray shots, everyone, because Patricia's not holding back tonight.

Basically the episode ends with everybody being like, STFU Craig, Kathryn is never going to be allowed to sit with us ever again. IDK though. I foresee a lot of party crashing in Kathryn’s future.




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