Southern Charm Recap: Southern WASPs Don't Talk About Their Feelings

Against all odds, we’ve arrived at another Southern Charm recap—one that almost didn’t happen because my dad waltzed in and changed the channel 2 minutes before the show was set to start, oblivious to the fact that I have been doing these recaps for the past 7 weeks now. 7, dad. So, naturally, I am going to do the mature thing and shade him on a website he doesn’t read.

So anyway, I don’t know if you guys are ready for this, because I’m not quite sure I am. In case you need a refresher (no judgment, I had to re-read my own recap tbh), basically, Craig spilled the beans that Kathryn and Whitney used to sort of be a thing. Maybe. Also, he did it in front of their entire friend group. I can’t WAIT to watch this drama unfolds. Oh wait, this is Southern Charm. Let me rephrase. I can’t WAIT to see how they hype this up all episode and end it without any real confrontation or drama.

Oh wow, we cut right to the confrontation where we picked off last episode. That's a pleasant surprise! Whitney is denying everything, and Cam is taking a very active role in backing him up.

Cam: Craig you better retract that statement!
Craig: Why Cam, because you can’t think of a good reason why you hate Kathryn?
Cam: Craig, are you really gonna do this right now?

Obviously, yes.

Whitney and Cam are denying this vehemently. Hmm, if only there would be a way to see who's right, like perhaps, if they have all been followed by cameras for the past 3 years? Hmm…

Whitney: She’s a lying insane woman who’s spread all these rumors.

Craig called Kathryn a hoe bag 3 years ago and look how far he’s come. Also, apparently 3 years ago Whitney narc’d on Craig to his parents and told them he went out all the time.

Craig: Nobody insults me in my...I mean, my parents'...home.

Is this all just petty revenge because Whitney got Craig grounded?

Craig is bringing up the good points like, “look, no one without a personal/emotional connection would be this upset and deny this strongly.”

Shep: If I were a psychiatrist it would give me pause that Whitney is so vehemently protesting Craig’s theory. You know the Shakespeare saying, "thou dost protest too much."

DING DING DING! I think we're onto something. Wait, Shep knows Shakespeare? Whoa.

Whitney keeps calling Kathryn a lying psychopath and is like, “Why would I want to be with someone with 2 kids out of wedlock?” which literally makes no sense because she didn’t have two kids out of wedlock at the time she hooked up with Whitney. That's like, kinda the whole point.

Cameran is like, "Did you really ever see Whitney hurt over a girl, and do you really think Kathryn Calhoun Dennis is that girl?"

I don't know, Cameran, that's literally what we're all trying to figure out right now.

Cameran says Craig is "living in an alternate reality" and IDK why she’s so firmly on Whitney’s side when nobody else has really even gotten involved one way or another. SUSPICIOUS. Do I have my conspiracy hat on too tightly? Perhaps. Gotta stop watching crime dramas before I watch this show. I lied, I will never stop doing that. Live your truth.

JD is like, “You guys will all work it out. It’s brotherly love," which is helpful to no one. Thanks a lot, JD.

Danni brings up the fact that Thomas acts like a crazy person all the time and nobody GAF, but the second Kathryn does something mildly strange, everybody is so quick to jump on her for being insane. Why is that? Could it be because one is a woman and one is a man?

YAS FEMINIST DANNI FTW. You can come sit with us, girl.

In the kitchen Craig and Shep have a little powwow. Sheps like, “Look u probably right but why'd you have to bring this up in my house, man?”

Cameran: I literally feel like my IQ went down 30 points from this conversation.

Welcome to how I feel watching this show. How do you like that empathy?

Cam is telling Craig to apologize, otherwise he’s burned the friendship. Damn, is that all it takes now? Y’all have flashbacks of you guys cursing each other out and basically telling each other to die, but all it takes now for a friendship to be over is one accused hookup? Weird.

Craig: I’m sorry I upset you, but honestly I always thought there was more to this story.

Classic non-apology. Love ya, Craig.

Whitney: WTF is wrong with you? She’s a moron and you’re a moron to believe this
Cam: If you really believe this Craig Idk if I can be friends with you.

Whitney and Cameran both walk away like, “You’re dead to me. I don’t know you.” Everyone else goes to bed and Naomie tells Craig that he shouldn’t have put Whitney on the spot and he ruined everyone’s night. Not to totally dog on Naomie but like, out of the two instances she’s had screen time I’ve yet to see her actually support her boyfriend in an emotional/vulnerable moment. I mean, I get that she of all people should be allowed to call Craig on his bullshit, but still, iffy track record so far. But like, at least her parents are letting him stay at their house.

Craig: Apparently standing up for Kathryn in this group means everyone’s gonna act like they hate you.

That’s what I’ve been saying, Craig. But you chose this life.

The next morning everyone is hungover AF. Landon asks Whitney if he and Craig kissed and made up yet, but Whitney is still raging. Oops. For the record, he’s still sticking to the one-night stand story. Can we just roll the replay cam already?

Whitney and Cameran duck out early.

Cam: This is my circle of trust and Craig used to be in it, and now he’s over here *mimes to a spot far away from the circle she mimed*

Ouch. Way harsh, Tai.

I was just gently reminded that Whitney is an executive producer on this show, and suddenly it all makes sense. I would like to retract all prior statements. Craig is definitely wrong and Whitney is definitely right. Kathryn is crazy. All hail Whitney.

At Kathryn’s, she Skypes Thomas to let him know her doctor moved her induction up three weeks. Holy fuck, that seems significant.

Kathryn: During this pregnancy my high blood pressure has been like a roller coaster, just like my relationship.

Kathryn is having a high-risk pregnancy at age 23, so I really hope this is a wake-up call for her not to have any more children.

Shep: I don’t get a hangover from drinking, which is both a blessing and a curse, but I do get a hangover from stupid idiots stirring up shit.

You and me both, Shep. You and me both.

It’s weird how Shep totally flip-flopped. Oh wait, he was probably just reminded who produces his paycheck. Same.

Craig: Whitney can dish it out but he’s not very good at taking it.

Shep: Craig’s not a menace to society, he’s just a menace to himself.

I mean, nice parallel structure, but at the same time I think calling Craig a "menace" is a little dramatic.

YES FINALLY PATRICIA IS BACK. IT’S BEEN LIKE 6 WEEKS HOLY CRAP. Whitney, this is your weekly reminder to call your mom.

Patricia just casually rolls up to Whitney’s house unannounced—she’s kind of like my mom in that way. Patricia describes Whitney’s old lofts as ISIS prison camps. I really think all these people would do very well in an ISIS recruitment setting.

Patricia’s like, “Hey how was your trip?” and Whitney’s like “I don’t want to talk about North Carolina” like he just got back from a tour in fucking Vietnam.

Patricia: Southern WASPS don’t talk about our feelings.

And this is why I missed Patricia so much. Say what you want about her; she's very self-aware.

This Larissa person who was mentioned in one offhand comment a few episodes ago is coming to visit Whitney. He hasn’t seen her in two months, sort of like how we haven’t seen her ever. Patricia says she’s going to throw Larissa a party, so Landon, this is your chance to follow through on the promise you made me on Twitter. Yeah, I check.

Whitney’s palnning a trip to LA and isn’t inviting Craig. Craig, this is what happens when you align yourself with the person who gets invited nowhere: you also get invited nowhere.

Patricia: I ran into JD the other day at the grocery store and asked him what Craig does for him and he said, “Craig’s my bitch.”

How much do you guys wanna bet that JD still wears his letters and has a fraternity decal on his car?

Thomas is on the phone with…somebody, and surpise surprise, he has no idea where Kathryn is. Jesus Christ, lady.

Apparently Kathryn is upset with Thomas because he was invited to go to LA with Whitney…why she was so mad remains to be seen…and she was so mad she dropped her phone. LOL.

Whoever’s on the phone is like, “If you go to LA a week before her due date you’ll never get back in time,” because it’s not like we have these flying metal machines that can get you from Atlanta to LA in 5 hours—and yes, I’m speaking from experience.

Nobody has any idea what she went, and I feel like having a pregnant crazy lady on the loose in Charleston is equal parts terrifying and hilarious. How come, out of all the people on this show, Kathryn isn’t the one in therapy? Serious question. I can give you a rec, boo boo. Just hit me up. You know where I tweet.

Craig invited Cameran to lunch to clear the air. Craig is still sticking to his story to the point that it’s annoying and even Naomie—or rather, especially Naomie—is like, STFU we’re tired of hearing about it. Craig realizes he’s doing the most and is like, “OK yea maybe I shouldn’t lose all my friends over my theory (but like I’m still right tho).” Craig.

Whitney went on some monologe that I zoned out on when Thomas called him to be like, “Sorry I can’t come to LA because Kathryn’s being nuts.” Can somebody say WHIPPED?

Whitney: My disdain from Kathryn comes from the fact that she stole my bro away and I can’t hang out with him as much as I want anymore.

Thomas: Yea it sucks I can’t go to LA but it’s better to keep the peace than deal with her wrath.

So fucking whipped.

Cameran meets Craig for lunch. This is awkward AF. I love how they always go to lunch at the most fattening places, as if Cameran ever eats anything with cheese/trans fat/cholesterol.

Cameran: It does hurt my heart that the sweet Craig I’ve always loved would spew lies and rumors. Craig knows better.

Literally, when did Cameran become the group mom all of a sudden?

Cameran brings up a valid point that Whitney was super embarrassed when Craig blew up his spot in front of all their friends, which is kind of fucked up, okay.

Cameran: Kathryn is a hot button for Whitney, not because he has the hots for her, but because he doesn’t like her.

OK I’m sorry but I’m just still not buying this. Like, if I just don’t like with someone, I simply choose not to fuck with them. I don’t go out of my way to trash talk them and make sure they’re not invited to shit or like, ruin their life. IDK, either Whitney’s secretly a high school girl at heart or we haven’t quite gotten to the bottom of this. All I’m saying is, I’m not convinced either way. I’m on nobody’s side. I’m gonna throw shade at everyone equally. I’m an equal opportunity shade-thrower.

Craig: I want us to all be friends again. Like when we went to Jekyll Island.

Cameran: Remember how that turned out?

Craig *remembering the shit show that occurred the last time the group hung out with Kathryn*: Oh shit, you right.

After commercial break, Kathryn gets flowers from Thomas that say, “I’m very sorry.” We better just start calling Thomas "Cool Whip" at this point. This dude is literally APOLOGIZING so that Kathryn will let him assemble some furniture that HE BOUGHT! Jesus. If Thomas was not old enough to be my dad I’d kind of want him to give me a call.

Whitney calls Shep because Thomas dropped out of the house and Shep’s like, “Can I bring Craig?” And Whitney’s like, “meh idk Craig’s just been so annoying for like a while now.” Yeah, sure. OK maybe he is a high school girl at heart.

Whitney: If Craig wants a reset he has to come on all fours….begging.

Yeah I bet you like that, don’t you Whitney?

The phone call leaves off on decent terms.

Craig goes to visit Kathryn, because if there’s one thing we can’t accuse Craig of, it’s not being loyal. Craig tells Kathryn about the fight he and Whitney got into and even Kathryn is like "oh shit, you didn’t."

Craig breaks it to Kathryn that they all want nothing to do with her, and he’s basically giving up on being her personal crusader.

Craig: Basically I gotta save my own ass and drop Kathryn like a hot potato.

Kathryn: I have a baby on the way and I just want positivity in my life.

LOL good one, Kathryn.

At Whitney’s we finally meet the mysterious Larissa, who I’m disappointed to learn isn’t a catfish. OK I KINDA get why he’d be so pissed by the Kathryn accusations; I wouldn’t want my new man to think I had it out for like, the Jax Taylor of the group.

Whitney is the latest person on this show to break out the shitty French. Good to know we've got some nice motifs running through the show, but also, can we fucking stop?!?

Whitney: I’m always shooting for the stars, you know? Trying to get the unattainable.

Whitney is a ~*changed man*~ because he cooks now. K.

He performs a song for Larissa called “I love you so fucking much.” Okay, I was so right, Whitney IS in high school. It’s confirmed. I am a fucking genius; you all need to build monuments to my intelligence. TG it’s clear he isn’t taking the song seriously tho. Larissa doesn’t run away—guess she really does love Whitney.

Meanwhile, Shep’s getting ready to rage for Monday night football. Why not?

Craig’s like, “Why don't you get a fireplace for your restaurant” and Shep’s like, “Fuck you mean, a fireplace? I'm just trying to make rent.” Ah. I suspected as much.

Meanwhile Craig is STILL like, “I think I was right but I mean I guess I will concede that I brought it up at the wrong time.” Craig. Craig. Craig. You know I love you and am shadily in agreement, but you need to stop trying to stir shit up at every possible moment. We talked about this last recap.

Shep tells Craig that he ALMOST fucked up his chances to go to LA but Shep was able to “put his rep on the line” to get Craig to go to LA. God these people are so fucking dramatic. It's a day trip with your friends; you didn't recommend the guy for a job or anything.

Shep: Obv I told Craig I stuck my neck out for him. Like, who wants to donate to a charity anonymously?

The episode ends at Kathryn’s, where Thomas comes over to see Kensie for the first time in like, months, if episode time is equivalent to real time. Thomas is putting together some furniture for Kathryn and she’s like, “Can we talk or like what?” Dude is a little busy, Kat.

Thomas: Everytime I talk I just dig my hole deeper.

At least he finally gets it.

Kathryn is like, “It just upsets me that even to this day Whitney is still causing shit. What is this getaway even about?”

Thomas: He just wants to have a celebratory weekend…to celebrate the birth of our child…you know..

Kathryn: I call bullshit.

Kathryn: I’m not a fucking idiot. I know why they go to LA

Cut to: Whitney took Thomas to a strip club last time in LA when Kathryn was 9 months pregnant, and Kathryn called him a nasty motherfucker. Ah yes, I remember this.

Kathryn’s like, “I just need you to know that I really need you” and Thomas is hanging his head and he’s like, “I hear you loud and clear,” and the dramatic music reaches a crescendo for no apparent reason because seemingly, Kathryn and Thomas are on the same page. K. Now that I think about it, that pretty much sums up this show. Why do I love it so much? IDK. But I do.




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