Southern Charm Recap: If You Can't Take The Heat, Get Out Of The Fancy Dining Room

First off, before I start this recap I just want to say: Fuck you, Bravo, for changing the time of Southern Charm and just not telling anybody. I had booked my travel plans to land at 8pm just so I would have enough time to watch it, and then you go and move the time to 8? Ok, so I really just took the latest flight out of Atlanta so I could sleep in, but WHATEVER.

Can we talk again about how Kathryn and Thomas named their son St. Julien? Like, he’s not a fucking Caribbean island, he’s a human.

Also, can we get a trap remix of the opening theme song? Come on, internet. Help me out.

Anyways, Craig goes over to Kathryn’s to see the new baby—who is still adorable, BTW—and they play the “who do you think he looks like” game. Like, come the fuck on. The yogurt I’m eating for breakfast is older than this baby. He looks like a baby. Calm your egos.

Craig: Let’s be honest, all babies look the same. But Kathryn looks really happy so maybe it doesn’t matter who the dad is.

YAS CRAIG. New drinking game: every time Craig pleasantly surprises me by saying something smart/doing something betchy, take a drink. We’ll all be wasted within 15 minutes. WIN.

Kathryn: Right now it feels like the family I've always wanted is within reach.

Good for you, Kat. Good for you.

JD orders a Gentry & Ginger at whatever restaurant he meets Thomas at. Stop trying to make Gentry happen, JD.

Thomas can’t just order a sauv blanc like a normal fucking American without putting his ridiculous French accent on it. I’m kind of glad this is a recurring theme just so I can continue to shit on him.

Thomas says that ultimately he’d want to live with Kathryn and his kids and JD’s like, “be careful what you wish for.” True. JD is like “Thomas is such a gentleman”…I have a lot of shit I can say in response but in the interest of time/me not pausing the video every 3 seconds I’m just gonna let you guys draw your own conclusions.

Thomas is throwing a dinner party aka DRAMA OUT THE ASS.

Thomas isn’t inviting Whitney and Patricia because Kathryn will be there. How you gonna not invite the queen of dinner parties to your dinner party tho? He is inviting Landon, because otherwise this would be way too tame.

Landon has dinner with her sister who asks about the meeting and Landon admits she fucked up by not making the website like I fucking said from the beginning. Her sister’s like, “you gotta put in effort. There are like actual jobs that pay you a salary and give you health benefits” and she starts crying. Like yo, it is not that deep. Homegirl is obviously doing fine if she’s still living in her beautiful Charleston apartment and fucking around with lifestyle websites. Like, I appreciate the sentiment that you want Landon to get a fucking job—it’s a noble one—but damn, there is no need to cry over it.

Also, we HAVE to talk about Landon’s sister’s eyebrows.

There are no words. Holy shit, HOW have I not noticed these monstrosities before? 

Shep and Cameron are once again meeting over fatty foods Cam def doesn’t eat and Shep tells Cam that Landon confessed his love for him. Cam’s like, “yeah I knew.”

Shep: She was like “You’re my best friend” and I was like “best friend”?
Ouch, Shep, Don’t kick her when she’s down. She already knows you don't love her; you don't also have to tell her she's not your best friend on top of it.

Landon’s sister is like, “just get drunk and bang him.” Like, +1 betch point but also, like no. These people are 30. A drunken bang session is not the solution.

Cam asks Shep if Landon “tickles his pickle.” OMG stop. Please.

Shep reveals he “thinks” he pulled Landon into a closet and hooked up with her once. He thinks.

Meanwhile Landon’s sister is like, “Well if you have sex with him what if it’s bad? It will change the dynamic forever.” Are people really this idiotic? I already know the answer, what am I saying.

Thomas and Kathryn are ~*happy and in love*~ which is probably only foreshadowing some bat-shit craziness to come.

Blah blah Thomas & Kat playing with their babies blah blah.

Thomas tries to talk to Kathryn about his dinner party guest list. So far so good until he mentioned Landon. Kathryn’s like, “Come again?”

Thomas’s excuse for inviting her is that she’s got “a million dollar smile.” Sure, okay.

Kathryn’s like “if she’s coming, I’m not coming” and suddenly all bets are off. Remember like 3.6 seconds ago when Thomas and Kathryn were lovey dovey? RIP to that. Thomas is like, “I put up with your bullshit for two years” and “I’m canceling the dinner.” Kathryn tries to like, grab/push/restrain him? Thomas tries to leave and Kathryn blocks the door. So like, super healthy relationship stuff going on. Thomas is like “NBD I’ll just go out the window then.” Good problem-solving. Then he actually JUMPS OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW.

Kathryn says “I don’t care if Landon comes to the party” …but you just said….

Thomas climbs back in the window. Landon can come to the party. Landon, look at what you’ve caused. Well done.

Cameron swings by Craig’s place to talk about her issue with having kids. Again. Look, have the kids, don't have the kids, but either way can we please stop hearing about it?

Craig tells Cam not to worry about Kathryn and she’s like “LOLOLOLOLLLLL.”

Craig: I think Kathryn has changed for the better


Cam needs her own set of reaction gifs.

Cam is weighing this invite with such gravity it's as if she's deciding whether to commission in the army or some shit. This is a free dinner and a show, it’s not that deep, just say you’ll come. Like literally, what's the worst that could happen at a fancy dinner party? Jesus, people. Your lives are not that serious.

K, I don’t care about this Kathryn/Cooper shopping scene enough to write about it. I will say that I enjoyed that she called Patricia Cruella DeVille.

Speaking of Cruella, Landon rolls up to her house mansion. Patricia is like, “I heard you and Shep were an item now?” and that could not be further from the truth. Hahaha.

Patricia: No man is worth crying over.


Patricia is going to make Landon over. YAS. MAKEOVER SCENE.

Patricia: Women today just look ghastly. In my day we never left the house without makeup.

Patricia: Well if things don’t work out with Shep maybe you could reform Thomas.

Landon: LOL not tryna be a step-mom with a BSCB.

Shep meets up with his mom and tbh I’m surprised he has a mom given his attitude towards women.

Shep: In my family my sister’s the smartest one and me and my brother are just buffoons.

Thank you for bringing the word “buffoon” back. I’m gonna start using it from now on.

Apparently Landon told Shep “When you’re ready I always thought you’d choose me because I’m in love with you.” Wow either they cut out the important part or I just missed that. That is...quite presumptuous.
I love that everyone’s pushing Shep to date Landon. Ah, romance. I hope this works out.

Aw Landon is so cute, dressing up just for Shep. Kinda like how the only reason I don’t wear sweatpants to work everyday is because of the hot receptionist in my building who is def going to ask me out any day now.

Thomas pronounces "champagne" in the French way. Naturally.

Kathryn: I’m ready to show everyone that my behavior is gonna be on point.

Kathryn asks for bourbon right away, because that’s a good way to make sure your behavior’s top-notch.

JD: So what’s new with you?
Kathryn: Well I like, kinda gave birth to a child IDK if you remember.

We finally see the fated periwinkle room, which actually looks nice.

I love that all these women are wearing fur coats, as if it ever gets below 40 degrees in Charleston.

Landon: IDK how to act around Kathryn really...

Landon: I’m going to the bar!

Good solution.

Kathryn and Landon avoiding each other is comical. Ugh, grow up. Be fake nice. Y’all are Southern. Being fake nice to people is in your DNA.

Kathryn: Tonight I’m gonna wipe that Vaseline on and give them the biggest grin.

If pretending to be civil towards people is her life’s greatest hardship, I really want her life.

Thomas starts off his dinner with a toast, is this where all the shots get fired?? Oh I hope so.

Thomas: This would not be a Thomas Ravenel sit-down dinner without some words of wisdom.
Everyone, including me: YES. IT IS ON.

Let’s just do a rundown of all the shots fired, in bullet form. Pun was not intended but now I’m super proud of myself.

Thomas starts out with the opening phrase to West Side Story. Weirdo.

OK here we go with the shots:

  • Kathryn: I’m very proud of you with your second child you’ve been a wonderful mother. I could not have expected more, I’m very proud of you, I’m very optimistic about the future.
  • Cameran: I have 3 sisters and you remind me of them. They’re all self-righteous, judgmental, and sanctimonious.

Drink one time for Craig’s reaction:

  • Craig: Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Just be who you are, you’re a great guy.

Shep’s like, “Wait, that’s it?”

  • Shep: Stop trying to fuck every girl in Charleston. Why not take a look at the girl you admire who’s sitting right over here? Sometimes there’s diamonds in the backyard that look like rusty stones and you shine them up.

Cam’s like “are you saying she’s rusty?” and Kathryn literally shrugs. Spirit animal.

  • Landon: you’ve been a little catty and disrespectful towards Kathryn.

Landon is NOT HAVING IT.

Landon: I’ve never done anything to her, ever.
Pretty bold thing to say for someone who spent like 2-3 episodes lying about whether or not she invited Kathryn to Shep's birthday. That's right, I didn't forget.

Shep: It’s your fault more than anyone else’s, Thomas. Landon’s your friend.

Thomas: How much money is your mommy giving you? I’m a real man you’re a pussy!

Cam’s out. Wow these tables turned quickly. Literally everyone is leaving.

Thomas: You jump on my back you will crawl off bleeding, motherfucker!

Thomas is like “Shep you wanna go outside?” and Shep’s like “Lol, K.”

Thomas, Shep has like 20 years on you and neither of you look particularly built. IDK if this is a fight you wanna take.

Shep: I don’t ever try to compete with you because you’re less than me. I’m greater than. Greater than.

Good to know Shep just finished the inequality lesson in math.

Landon: I’ve been a good friend to you Thomas so you know what? I’m done.
Kathryn: You’re not really a good friend tho.
Actually I lied. Kathryn really needs her own reaction gifs. Her expressions are the best.

Kathryn: Stop yelling, you sound like a fucking dolphin.

Landon calls Kathryn trash and leaves, Cameran is close behind. Well, this went swimmingly. Thomas locked his own gate and almost locked Naomie in. Everyone is piled on a golf cart and starts to drive away and Thomas runs after them. LOL but why are they in a golf cart tho?

Just gonna leave you all with this very hilarious (and, admittedly, very pixel-y) scene of Thomas chasing after everybody crammed in the back of a golf cart as Landon drives the getaway car...t.

Does Landon have a license to drive a golf cart? Do you even need one of those?

TG Naomie made it.

Bye, Shep.




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