December 10, 2014
Being a betch means we’re born naturally talented and beautiful, but we also know that true beauty doesn’t come from the inside, it comes from our gay French stylist Pierre. We’re talking about your hair, which might as well be full of secrets since it costs as much as a designer handbag.
One thing betches are guilty of is spending way too much on hair. Like, you might tell your besties you’re broke at brunch because literally, you are, but also everyone knows your keratin could have paid for everyone’s meal.
Hair is important because it literally defines our moods. Every betch has gone through a post-breakup dramatic hair change. Hopefully you have better sense than to get bangs, but you get one free pass in your life (but seriously, don’t do it). We can’t confirm, but we’re pretty sure most brunette turned blondes are a result of Post Traumatic Breakup Syndrome. That also accounts for half the donations made to Locks of Love. There’s a reason having a “bad hair day” is synonymous with having a “bad day” - how you feel about your hair can make or break your entire outlook on life.
Here’s the thing - you have to wear your hair everyday. Like literally, it’s the one thing you don’t take off when you're (sometimes) fucking bros. So like, obvs we want to make the most of it. Sure, spending a few hundred on hair color sounds ridiculous, but it’s the closest we’ll ever have to being able to choose a personality.
Aside from spending money on blowouts, color, clip-ons, and touch-ups, products make up for half of our hair budget. Not even counting styling products like heat protectant, mousse, and the basics, betches have to account for everything from coconut oil to deep conditioner. Purple shampoo is like the Push-up Bra of colored hair.
Bros are constantly shocked by how much betches spend on hair, and we’re pretty sure most of them don’t know the difference between conditioner and shampoo. We spend so much on hair because it's like part of our bodies - just like going to a heart surgeon is expensive, going to a hairstylist should be as well. Buddhists monks say that a head full of hair is ten thousand worries, but we say only if your hair fucking sucks. After all, beauty is priceless, or just really expensive.