252. Spirit Animals

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

A few times in a lifetime, a betch comes across another creature who she connects with on such a profound level it's like she found her other half. No, I don't mean her bestie; I'm talking about spirit animals.

Contrary to the name (and popular belief), a betch's spirit animal is not actually an animal, like, 9 times out of 10. If you thought otherwise, odds are you are a Nice Girl. If you asked a Nice Girl what her spirit animal was, she would probably choose shit like Disney princesses or her kitten. Uh, thanks but no thanks. If I wanted to bathe myself in my own saliva or shit in a box, I'd just become homeless. No, a true betchy spirit animal is basically just another person you have never actually met (this part is important), who you are low-key obsessed with for one or more of the following reasons:

  • He/She is hilarious
  • He/She is beautiful
  • He/She has not been known to give a single fuck at any point in time

...In other words, a betch's spirit animal is someone she would want to be, if she weren't already herself. Betchy examples include:

  • The Fat Jewish (if you're fat, Jewish, and hilarious)
  • Missy Elliott (if you're just like a boss in general and/or really like "Work It")
  • That Craigslist guy who's looking for a millionaire with an empty NYC apartment to squat in (if you're almost too much of a millennial to function)
  • Rihanna (if you like to dress like a slut tbh)

and of course...


If you're a betch, Beyonce is your default spirit animal. I don't care if you don't think she's as great as everybody says, I don't care if you thought Drunk in Love was a hot mess, it's just like, the rule of feminism. Also, another rule: no, your bestie cannot be one—the word you're looking for is "soul mate." Other than that, pretty much anybody you don't actually know in real life, but you feel like you know so well (usually through stalking their Instagram and liking nearly every photo) that you would totally be best friends, qualifies.

Of course, like with pretty much anything nowadays, if you proclaim your spirit animals too publicly eventually somebody is going to accuse you of appropriation. Which, as valid as it may be, still hasn't stopped Iggy yet, so you can probs still get away with having a spirit animal for a little while longer. So like, just try not to single-handedly destroy the world with your oppression, k?





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