January 30, 2013
Ladies. Ladies. It's that time of year again. No, not tax season, but I guess it's that too. It's time for the motherfucking Super Bowl. It's this weekend, did you know that? I bet no. You're welcome. This year, there will be older, washed up veterans clinging to immortality versus younger, more talented stars hoping to win the hearts of a nation. And that's just the Destiny's Child halftime show reunion. The Super Bowl is basically the One Direction of sports championships: overhyped. I’m sure the Head Betches will post some pithy, pseudo-helpful “survival guide” that will explore deep topics like “is it ok to drink beer?” (I submit that it is), but we’re talking about sports. The following is what all the cool kids (read: bros) will be talking about come Sunday.
[Note from the Betches: The Super Bowl survival guide is coming tomorrow. Stay tuned, unlike what you'll do during the actual Super Bowl.]
It’s the Baltimore Ravens versus the San Francisco 49ers. Kickoff is at 6:30. If you’re watching it at a bar (why?), try to avoid fans of either team. By about 10:00, one of them will be really sad.
There are a few (questionably) interesting storylines accompanying this year’s game. Here are some of them
The “Harbaugh Bowl”: John Harbaugh coaches the Ravens. Jim Harbaugh coaches the 49ers. OMG, are they like, brothers? Yes, yes they are. If you’re a parent in this situation, how do you handle that? Discuss.
Joe Flacco: Joe is the quarterback for the Ravens, and for like, ever, he’s been trying to get himself considered among the NFL’s “elite” quarterbacks, meaning
associated with the likes of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning he wants to sit with the Plastics. Even if you hate football, have you heard those names before? Yes you have, because they are elite quarterbacks. Have you heard of Joe Flacco? Probably not, because he is not. If the Ravens win the Super Bowl, there’s a chance that might change. My bros and I love to make fun of him. Any time he does something stupid (which is usually often), we’ll say “another great play by elite QB Joe Flacco.” I recommend doing that. Also, he called the idea of a cold weather Super Bowl “retarded” which is true. Still, I bet it really pissed off this betch.
Colin Kaepernick: Colin is the quarterback of the 49ers, and he’s a rookie, which is a big deal. San Francisco benched their very expensive first round draft pick QB Alex Smith midway through the season, and so far it’s turning out to have been the right decision. He also embarrassed the shit out of my beloved Chicago Bears in his pro debut, so fuck that guy.
Old Dudes: The Ravens have several older players who should be retired but are not. Most notable among them is Ray Lewis, a linebacker, known murderer, and crazy person. Personally, I would not want to be the person standing between Ray Lewis and his last shot at a Super Bowl, because that guy is a fucking lunatic.
You don’t even have to get into football to develop a sweet, sweet gambling addiction. For one thing, if you’re at a party there is a 100% chance that someone will make one of those stupid grids with numbers 0-9 on each axis. You pick a box, and if the number created by the intersection where your box is matches the winning score of the game, you win money. Other fun gambling includes “prop” bets, which is where you bet based on stupid shit like what commercial will be next. It takes no skill and can be fun. It can also get way out of hand.
Commercials suck, always, but during the Super Bowl they at least suck less. Brands usually pull out all the stops because they know a lot of people will be watching, and the results are sometimes entertaining. Even if it’s true, don’t be one of those people who say “I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials!” Ugh.
Don’t forget, there’s a game being played. The Ravens have been kind of “meh” all year, winning key games but impressing no one. San Francisco, on the other hand, was a team I picked to go all the way at the very beginning of the season. You’ll hear people say things like “defense wins championships!” and SF’s defense is probably the toughest in the league. Joe Flacco will indeed have to play like an elite QB in order for Baltimore to have a shot, which would be very un-Joe Flacco-like of him.
That should cover it. Enjoy yourself this weekend. Get to wherever you’re going so you can get a good seat. Eat a wing. Pound a beer. Call in sick to work Monday. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day of the year where it’s universally acceptable for betches to live out their fantasy of being born a bro. You’re welcome.