November 7, 2012
It all started in middle school when one of our more mature besties suggested we try this new amazing thing called a frappucino. She said it's like coffee but for like, teenagers! From that moment we were hooked on this new cool place called Starbucks and we couldn't stay away; we'd go after school, try all the new flavors (Orange Mocha Frappucinos!), talk shit about how Mrs. Peters the social studies teacher totally chain smokes in the bathroom during lunch, all while extremely hyped up on caffeine in our So-Lows.
But like these things usually go, the high calorie drinks fad faded faster than Nokia cell phones and braces and so we moved on, but one thing stayed the same and that was Starbucks. That's the thing with Sbux, it's a place betches can always trust: a safe haven that happens to be located on every block of any city, even the ones that don't matter. You can always count on it for a clean bathroom, an overpriced drink, and the reassurance that you won't leave smelling like a thick Indian curry or poor people.
Don't get us wrong, we don't love Starbucks for its superior coffee beans; an americano actually tastes like a turd dipped in a third world river. It's because Starbucks, other than its seven-dollar holiday pumpkin spice specials and seasonal cups, is a place that never changes - celebs are often seen sporting their teas and coffee, it's zen, it's well-lit. They'll always have Sade or an indie cover of Rage Against the Machine to complement our xanax or adderall.
We also love Starbucks because it's our ally in the war against the overweight. They'll always have the calorie count placed next to the salted caramel mochas for those who need to be reminded that a cinnamon scone is the equivalent of 10 meals. And the baristas will never ask us to repeat ourselves when we mumble "sugar free hazelnut soy iced coffee" while we furiously text our group chat. Unlike being at a state school or like, Old Navy, betches feel at home at Starbucks.
So go order your trenta iced coffees, ask for a sleeve because it's snowing, and don't even think about going near those cake pops. Every betch knows they totally got it wrong: fat Americans (don't) run on Dunkin, chic betches leisurely stroll on Starbucks.