Starbucks Is The Most Popular First Date Spot; Are You Fucking Kidding Me? | Betches

Starbucks Is The Most Popular First Date Spot; Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

By The Head Pro

Clover is a dating app for people who are too lazy to send a text message. Their “on-demand” service lets you pick a place you’d like to go on a date, then it finds you someone who agrees with your choice. Those choices, as it turns out, are fucking terrible, because an analysis of their first dates reveals that Starbucks is the most popular first date spot. Followed by Chipotle. And Panera. And the fucking Cheesecake Factory. What the shit, people?


Now, to be fair: They’re obviously not capable of capturing meaningful data for local, independent places. A regional or even metro area analysis would likely yield far more interesting results, but still - why are enough people meeting their first dates at Red goddamn Lobster for there to be enough aggregate data to begin with?

If you find yourself on a first date with me (not gonna happen) (sorry), it will be somewhere that serves alcohol. If you find yourself on a first date with me (still a no), it will not be at a place where I’m stuck sitting across a table from you for the duration of a meal. Ain’t nobody got time for that. It will be at a bar, during daylight hours, and preferably somewhere with decent happy hour specials. We will not be getting coffee at Starbucks, watching in horror as we drip taco juice on each other at Chipotle, or rooting on your alma mater over boneless wyngz at B-Dubs.

I’m surprised fucking Subway didn’t make the list. I’d rather have a first date on the actual subway than at the restaurant. In general, do not go on a first date with someone to a place where you pay at a cash register before getting your order.

This concludes this week's installment of Dating In America. See you tonight at Chili's.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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