221. Starstructors | Betches

221. Starstructors

By The Betches

It’s time to talk about a different type of celebrity; the type who actually might follow you back on instagram. They're the only people in the world who could motivate us to sign up for 90-minute-kill-yourself Soul Cycle. (But Sydney is teaching!) Of course we’re talking about the fitness instructors who are basically famous among you and your besties. They're our “starstructors” and they’re here to give you a glimpse into how cults form.

Asking a betch to choose her favorite starstructor is like asking the Pope to pick his favorite saint. Obviously we refuse to go to any new instructors because there’s just like, no way they’ll be as good. Going to a random instructor is like working out at a New York Sports Club: boughie as fuck.

A betch would never go to a random because we won’t get special treatment like getting to ride on the platform or having our names called out during class by someone who knows where we are on our inspirational journey to lose three pounds. Without that extra motivator, everyone knows your workout just like, can’t be as good. You know you’re in the inner circle of your starstructor when you don’t even have to ask them to send you their playlist after class because you’re already on their listserv.

But sometimes these starstructor relationships go beyond getting green juice together one time. They can easily get into the territory of shady creepy obsession. Suddenly your bestie is going to lunch with her instructor, and then going to concerts together, and next thing you know they’re roommates and going vegan together. Meanwhile this person is making money off every time you tap it back even though your bestie is literally their devoted groupie. But instead of being a carrier of dirty musician STDs they are marked by overpriced Lululemon gear with ugly logos.

Apparently there’s an actual scientific reason why people form these insane attachments to the bitch who yells at them to climb faster!! Your fat ass isn’t gonna burn itself! It’s because exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people casually fall in love with their instructors by accident because their hormones fool them. (This is also how people are fooled into thinking they’re finding love on The Bachelor.) Fun fact.

So betches, we all know its okay to love our starstructors, but chill with the obsession. These people have a nice tree pose, they’re not the Buddha or even like, Beyonce. Remember, a cycling instructor is someone whose job is to put in a whole lot of effort to go literally nowhere.




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