August 6, 2012
JABs have Bergdorf’s, TABs have the SATs, and Stoner betches have South Park. Whenever the topic of conversation is about television, as it often is, every stoner will be quick to remark that South Park is brilliant, the best, and like totes a societal commentary that’s also fucking hilarious. Not only is it one of the strongest unifiers amongst potheads worldwide, but when is it ever not a good idea to put on an episode pre/mid/post blaze sesh? We could go on gushing for hours, but you obviously already know and agree with everything we're going to say. So in honor of this cartoon masterpiece, we've broken down the central characters who occupy this quiet little redneck mountain town. We aren’t presenting them in order of preference because we know that every SP lover has a very strong and individualized order of favorites and who are we to place Clyde in front of Mr. Hanky? Oh and if you prefer Family Guy to South Park, that's chill, we're stoners so we don't really give a shit.
Cartman: Son of Mrs. Cartman and Mrs. Cartman, Eric is the blood which pumps through SP’s veins and he is by far the betchiest character. He just knows how to sprinkle every convo with the most insulting anti-Semitic/anti-poor/anti-nonwhite comments ever, shocking and entertaining stoner betches and bros everywhere. And we would definitely want him to have our backs if we needed to get back at someone. Making Scott Tenorman eat his parents by grinding them up into chili took manipulation to a level we couldn’t even keep up with. Cartman’s obvious non-betchy attribute is his obesity but like it’s not his fault, he’s fucking BIG BONED!!!!
Stan: Of everyone in South Park, Stan is the most level headed and is always the one to resist the latest fads and daily epidemics (panflutes! Urinal deuce government cospiracy!!) except of course Scientology. Because Stan is so composed he is constantly humiliated by those in his life, particularly his dad’s frequent public drunkenness/pantslessness. Honestly though, if we had to date one person on this show it would be Stan. He plays football, he’s pretty hot according to the list, and of all the boys he’s the only one to ever get ass. That Wendy is one lucky betch.
Kyle: Keylllllle is a lot like Stan only Jewish and a little gay. Not much else to say about him other than we’re very sorry about his haarrible hemawroids. We also really appreciate the bestieship between him and Stan. And ya know, I’ve learned something today…. apparently you can be both a ginger and a Jew.
Kenny: The boy who says so much yet so little. We remember being young and impressed when all the bros-in-training in elementary school would lie and tell us they understood what Kenny was saying behind that hideous orange hoodie. Kenny’s every-episode death has always been a staple. If you wanted to be the funniest kid at lunch in fourth grade all you had to do was drop an “OMG they killed Kenny!” and you’d have the entire class eating out of the palm of your hand. Growing up, our entire foundation for class discrimination was based upon Kenny and his povo family, like they’re so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
Randy Marsh: A personal favorite of this betch, Randy has had more shining moments than can be named. Between microwaving his testicles in order to get a medical marijuana prescription and starting his own gourmet cooking show to fuck up Bobby Flay, a Randy-centric episode never disappoints. Sure he may not always be the best father but he’s there when it fucking counts. Like when Stan and his friends need to “serve” ghetto kids in a dance competition and he’s the only man who can help. Obama’s president now and Randy can do whatever the fuck he wants. FUCK YOU.
Butters: The most genuinely sweet character, poor Butters Stotch gets shit on by everyone from pimps and priests to his own fucking grandma. If he’s not getting locked in a closet until he makes white stuff come out of his penis, his mother is trying to submerge him in a car, and all he wants to do is go to Bennigan’s! But don’t worry Butters is the one who’s laughing because he’s actually Professor Chaos ready to fuck shit up by blocking the planet from the sun and cutting the head off the town’s central statue. You've heard of Mexican salsa, but Mexican pride? Mantequilla!
Mr./Mrs. Garrison: A very confused individual, Mr. G has had his ups and downs. She spent most of his life severely trapped in the closet but was finally set free after a mountain top epiphany revealed to herself he’s gay…only to lead him to find out she’s actually a woman, only to lead him to get his penis removed, only to lead him to find out she’s actually a man and acquire a new penis. Eek a penis! Really though, we would have loved to be one of this gay-slave owner’s students if not for the insensitivity of Mr. Hat alone.
Mr. Mackey: Our favorite Mackey moment is of course the season 2 gem when he smokes pot. Seeing this episode for the first time before ever having been high, we were convinced that it would feel exactly like our heads were a balloon, free floating away from our bodies. Mr. Mackey seems like an awesome guidance counselor: he’s understanding, caring, and he knows about trauma. I mean we’d be hoarders too if we had been molested by a woodland creature in our childhood mmmkay.
Towelie: Though his role in the series is minor, a South Park character list would be incomplete without the biggest pothead on the show, and he’s not even fucking human. Apparently this inanimate stoner was created by Trey and Matt to satirize how heavily merchandized their show had become which is like, so trippy. Regardless, we wanna hit Towelie’s bong. If it weren’t for him we never would have known to bring eye drops the first time we blazed. Just stay away from the computer duster T, don’t prove the gateway theory true. I'm gonna get a little high.
Recurring characters: Token Black, Mr. Hanky, Satan, Sadam Hussein, etc. South Park really outdoes itself in terms of using fictional and nonfiction people as supporting characters. They all add something different to the show and while there are too many to name, we will just say that we would totes want to be invited to Satan’s Super Sweet 16 and Big Gay Al would be an amazing GBFF.
Honorable mention: Chef. Apparently there was some serious drama regarding the guy who voiced South Park elementary’s black face of wisdom and soul because he was a scientologist and was pissed about the show’s depiction of the Church of Tom Cruise. He quit the show, leaving Chef to suffer a violent death and leaving the boys forever without his unmatched guidance and chocolate salty balls. We haven’t really missed his presence, but Chef’s 9 seasons on the show definitely provided the boys with top notch cafeteria meatloaf and super helpful R&B songs about prostitutes.