The Stoner Series: Roles of the Stoner Circle

By The Betches

September 19, 2012

Much like the caste system, in stoner society everyone has a designated role which is practically impossible to break free of, like the 47% or being an immigrant. Our high-erarchy is way less oppressive but no less crucial, and without it our blaze sessions ("society") might become anarchy. Which is why we have our list of roles for the stoner circle... Knibb High football rules!

The Head Stoner: She's the queen bee, all the other stoners are just her little minions. Unlike regular queen bees, the Head Stoner is only condescending of her friends who can’t use a lighter or speak when they're stoned. And instead of doing shit for the Head Stoner, she does shit for you like rolling j's. Whether it’s because she’s been smoking the longest or her boyfriend is a dealer, the HS is always on top of her weed game. She can come through the fastest with a reliable hookup and is an expert on pretending to judge the quality of one strain over another. Some of her smaller duties include grinding the weed and smoking you out.

The Person Whose House We Go To: aka the person whose parents don’t care. There will be periods of your life when you spend more time at this house than your own.

The Driver: For those times when you're on a road trip or like on the way to the movies, a designated driver is needed. It’s not that all stoners are incapable of driving while high, but for some reason there is always the one person in the group who has been deemed the One. Whenever it is required to travel from point A to point B, and that distance spans larger than the length of your living room, the driver is necessary. Clearly a memo Amanda Bynes missed.

The Passenger: This is the driver’s bestie and right hand stoner. Her main responsibility is manning all electronic devices including music, google maps, and typing the driver’s out-loud text commands. Siri is way less accurate than the Passenger. This is an extremely vital role and could be the difference between a five minute drive or an hour long excursion because you took a wrong turn and ended up getting on the freeway. What do I do Murray!?!

The Conversationalist: The person who instantly becomes Chatty fucking Cathy the minute she hits the blunt. The talker can be nice every once in a while when the rest of the group gets too high to actively converse but doesn’t want to sit in awkward stoned silence. However, after a nine-minute rant about the discography of Huey Lewis and the News, this person needs to take another rip and shut the fuck up.

The Person Who Sucks: See Stoner Pet Peeves for all the ways in which this incompetent rookie fucks shit up for the rest of us. She's like the #48 Dud but of the smoke group. She will, without fail, commit at least three stoner offenses upon each session. However, unlike the Dud, she doesn’t suck all around, just at ashing before a resin blob lands on your white jeans.

The Foodie: Either the first one to suggest a food trip or the person who actually volunteers to make food for the rest of the group, the food enthusiast never has any qualms about caving to her munchies. Which is fine because while the food initiator says it, the rest of the group was thinking it.







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