May 19, 2015
Obama officially joined the ranks of Twitter on Monday, and his follow to follower ratio puts yours to shame. @POTUS is the first official social media account run exclusively by the President of the United States, and many believe it symbolizes a new era in politics in which the people will have a more direct line of communication between themselves and the leaders they elect. However, there have been differing reactions on just exactly how to utilize it.
I’m sure there are good-hearted people out there who will legitimately use this new resource productively, and hats off to those honorable, honest Americans. Unfortunately, their humble efforts are being overshadowed by the onslaught of assholes who have, instead, been flooding Obama’s mentions with ardent requests that he fist them, sit on their face, or any other number of depraved comments that one typically finds on the Internet. Shout out to the founding fathers for fighting for our right to free speech, hopefully this was what you had in mind.
If you are the kind of person who has ever felt the need to ask the leader of the free world to penetrate you on the Internet where literally everyone from your grandmother to future employers can see it, we have a couple of things to say to you, the first being WHY. For the love of God, WHY.
The second: you might want to rethink your no doubt hilarious tweet that will garner at least 4 favorites, because the White House is onto you and your perverse antics. And they are saving all of it.
In accordance with the Presidential Records Act, the White House will be archiving any and all interaction involved with @POTUS. Thinking about sliding into Obama’s DM’s so you can ask him to spank you in a more secluded setting? Valiant effort, but those are getting archived, too. That’s right, the White House is that asshole who screenshots your texts and then sends them to a group chat to talk shit on you. Which is to say, the White House is all of us.
Man, how does one avoid a sticky situation like this? I don’t know, how about you don’t fucking sexually harass the president on Twitter. That’s it. That’s literally all you have to do.