January 20, 2015
Dear Cat and Said Cat Owner:
I get it. Kittens are cute and sometimes your 20s can be lonely. It would be nice to have a cuddling companion that is more consistent than your ex’s blacked out booty calls. So one cold night, probably when you had one too many solo glasses of vino, you decided you’re going to go ahead and get yourself a kitten.
At first, things were good. The kitten was tiny and fluffy and made sweet purring noises. You were able to name him something trendy like Moses and get celebrity baby naming out of your system before you harmed any humans. Plus, your first Instagram of your kitten got a lot of likes.
But then, something totally expected happened. The kitten grew into a cat, and no one wanted to see, hear or be in any way affected by your feline anymore. For some reason, cat owners like yourself cannot comprehend this. No, this is not your goddamn first child, and yes, I do think the fact that you’re holding your cat in your profile picture on Facebook is keeping you single.
So why does no one like your cat? Lets start with its finicky mood swings. I’d assume you have enough females in your life with unpredictable behavior, the last thing you needed was one more. Plus, your cat comes off as low-maintenance, like a chill betch, but then out of the blue it’ll go completely bat shit crazy. I do not understand how a cat's hiss is not a clear indication to you that it's the spawn of the devil. And when your cat gives me a dirty look, it literally seems like it could make me ugly from one pawing. No fucking duh I do not appreciate it.
So yeah, basically your cat has some similar personality traits to myself. This is what is most offensive to me about your feline. The last thing I want is to see myself in something that uses a litter box. Speaking of which, you literally go digging for tiny pieces of shit that smell like burning sulfur on a daily basis. I do not want to be sharing vodka pulls with someone who has ever done that. Ever.
I’ll close with reminding you that according to the news, cats that have eaten their owners’ dead bodies before. I’m going to let that resonate.
Enjoy the next 20 years you two have together,