February 26, 2015
Dear Annoying Healthy Person,
Look, we have nothing against going on a cleanse. This is pretty standard stuff, betches. But when you won’t shut up about it, we’re not even sure if you’re actually even on one.
This is the girl at your work that has to make an announcement to the office that she’s “extra grumpy” today because she’s on a cleanse. And every time she sees food, be it a donut or sandwich or piece of gum, she has to ask that you “take that away from her.” Look, we get it, you’re trying to be less fat and make your life less meaningless. Cool. But seriously, you’re not making any new friends by shaking your green juice in front of our faces.
This is the friend that agrees to get dinner with everyone but then at the last second asks if it’s cool to do something else instead, because she’s on a cleanse. Or she shows up but then makes a big announcement that she’s not going to eat because she’s on a cleanse. We get it. You’re on a cleanse.
For some reason even non-food related activities turn into an excuse to
lie brag about being on a cleanse. While shopping, she has to mention that she needs new clothes because of all the weight she lost from her cleanse. While walking up stairs she’s like, “I’m so tired, but it’s because I’m on a cleanse and I’m sooo weak.” At a family reunion her aunt asks her if she has a boyfriend but she “obviously not because it’s hard to focus on anything but this cleanse.” It feels like her cleanse is lasting forever, but she’s only on day three.
Betches already know that cleanses are great. It’s like a reset button for your drunk mistakes. But if you don’t know the difference between doing something and talking about doing something, then you’re probably not a betch.