Dear “alone and wondering why,”
Almost two years ago, I wrote a strongly worded letter to almost boyfriends and those who accept them. While I’m honestly not surprised the former exists, this letter is more for the delusional daters that fall into the latter category.
Every time I open my laptop, scroll through my Facebook feed, or walk down the street, I can’t stop hearing the phrase “he was almost my boyfriend, I just don't get it!”
Wake the fuck up. I told you to come to terms with reality two years ago and you’re all still making me so frustrated that I’ll need to pick up boxing as a hobby, even though my schedule is already so full with all the blacking out I enjoy doing so much on the weekends.
Call it being “ghosted,” call it being in the “talking stage,” call it whatever the hell you want—I’ll call it like I see it. He isn’t into you and the fact that you’re wondering why not is the exact reason for his lack of interest.
Stop sitting around with your besties, roommates, pets, plants, etc. and asking them what they think you did wrong to fuck this one up.
Find a hobby. This doesn’t mean I encourage you to download Tinder and settle for shitty back burner bros just because they give you attention. Be an independent (not financially independent yet though—Hi Dad!) betch for one second in your life and realize having an “almost” boyfriend doesn’t make your life any better.
In fact, it makes it ten times worse. Take away the occasional sex when fuck boy actually comes over and doesn’t “pass out” after a night of drinking with his bros (code for: IDGAF stop texting me every night Thursday through Saturday). What are you honestly getting out of this situation besides unnecessary drama?
Your friends probably hate you because all you fucking do after a few glasses of wine is go over your “almost” relationship. Are you reading text conversations with this bro out loud to your roommates? Stop. Are you figuring out which new Snapchat filter makes you look the most laidback yet pretty? Enough. Are you scrolling through the VSCO account of some girl you saw him talking to at the bar last night? Go to the gym. Your arms look flabby anyway.
If you’re doing any of these things and wondering why you're still single, you don’t have to go much further than your bathroom mirror to find the answer.
This isn’t some Elite Daily article to tell you that being ghosted/being in an almost relationship/being a complete delusional piece of shit is okay and just part of being in your 20s. If that’s the advice you’re looking for, you’re on the wrong website.
Almost boyfriends are so 2014—keep up.
Too hot to be anyone’s “almost”