March 16, 2015
Dear Delusional Girls,
I remember back when I was like five and my mom took me to a dance studio to take classes. I stuck around for a few years, but like most, I realized that ballet and jazz were never going to be my thing. The problem is, some girls never came to this realization Doing the dance recital while you’re in high school is one thing, but for like 99.9% of you, the career in dance should end after that. I’m definitely sure that you don’t have the credibility to complain on Facebook about someone on So You Think You Can Dance’s technique. There are three main problems with this.
1) Facebook statuses aren’t a thing anymore.
2) So You Think You Can Dance isn’t a thing anymore.
3) You being a dancer was NEVER A FUCKING THING.
We also need to talk about barre class. Last I checked, your elementary-level ballet training back in the 90s doesn’t make you more qualified than the instructor. If I hear you give one more “friendly suggestion” about someone’s arm position, I just might scream. Like it’s a barre class, not the fucking Russian National Ballet Camp. Chill the fuck out and find an exercise class where you can keep your mouth shut. Disclaimer: The same goes for Zumba, or any other dance-related workout. I’m there to burn calories, not to be the next prima ballerina.
Every once in a while, I meet someone who won’t shut up about ballroom dancing. Anyone who’s ever taken one class is apparently an automatic expert, and they’ll gladly tell you how amazing swing dancing is. Like idk where everyone else is hanging out, but the only swing dancing I ever see is in like bad old movies. Plus tbh swing dancing isn’t impressive unless you can do tricks and lifts and shit, so give me a call when you win a contest or something. Or don’t. I really don’t care.
One of the worst types of girls are the ones who think they’re hip hop geniuses. We all took a class that one time, but that doesn’t mean you get to initiate a dance-off at a bar. There is NEVER a good enough reason for a dance-off. Really, save yourself the embarrassment. I also don’t want to see you twerk, especially if you’re desperate to enough to do it upside down on a wall. There are like three white girls in the world who can legitimately twerk, and the rest of us just like awkwardly shake our whole bodies and pretend that everyone only notices our flat ass.
I hope I’ve laid out my points clearly enough, but maybe a quick recap would be helpful:
1. You don’t know that much about “technique.”
2. You are NOT the instructor.
3. Ballroom dancing isn’t cute, like ever.
4. NO DANCE-OFFS
5. NO TWERKING
Now please, burn your leg warmers and never let anyone know you owned them in the first place.
50 Shades of Betch