November 4, 2014
Dear Girls Who Use Instagram Like You’re Celebrities,
I’d like to start by making sure you know where you are. You’re not in Ibiza. You’re not at a Grammy after-party. You’re at your friend Jeff’s shitty apartment in Astoria. That’s right, you may think you party like a rock star, but literally no one gives a shit about how much you drink. IDGAF if it’s Turnt Tuesday or Wine Wednesday, or whatever bullshit you and your friends come up with to justify your alcoholism; I don’t need to see it on my Instagram. I’d rather claw my eyes out than scroll through eight pictures in a row of you “turning up with the girlies!!!” Sorry if this seems harsh, but I can assure you it’s what 98% of us are thinking.
If you have less than like 100,000 followers, I expect you to be extremely selective about what you gram. The only day in your life when you get to post more than one pic from the same event is your wedding day. That’s it. If you have questions about this, you’re doing something wrong. The only person who cares that much about your sad little birthday get together is your grandma, and God knows you have bigger problems if she’s following you on Instagram.
Just so we’re clear, I absolutely do not need to see a picture every time you do something you consider “luxurious.” Every betch loves a good (bottomless) brunch, so I don’t need a picture of your fucking mimosa every Sunday. I don’t care how much your spa treatment cost, and I clearly don’t want to see a picture of you with hot mud on your face. Another big mistake is posting thirteen pictures in a row right when you get back from vacation. I’ve actually been to Paris more than once, but thanks for letting me know that the Eiffel Tower is still there. I was getting worried.
Last but not least, you should never EVER post an inspirational quote or really anything that you screenshotted on Pinterest, Tumblr, etc. This is literally like a plea for me to unfollow you. TBH there are about six models in the world who get away with this, so unless you’re six feet tall and have been on the cover of Vogue, save it. If you’re ever having trouble deciding what to post, just remember that you’re way less relevant than you think you are. Skip the inspirational quote; I promise I’ll live.
All of Your Followers