A Strongly Worded Letter To The Health UGH

By Blackout Betch

Want to know what my least favorite word in the English language is right now? No, it’s not “poor”. And it’s not “fat.”


If I hear one more person rave about how delicious kale is, I will throw up on them. And I definitely had more than kale for lunch so may the odds be ever in their favor.

It’s not just kale that needs to go. It’s gluten free, hot yoga, new year/new me, spin class, no bread, no alcohol, no fucking fun.

I'm not saying I think people should stop going to the gym and get fat. Me hating on people who are health-obsessed is not an excuse to become morbidly obese and wear sweatpants for the rest of your life. It might seem contradictory, but it's actually not.

I'm just so sick of people I know turning into shitty, boring versions of themselves—people I will now call Health UGHs—because they think they will be the next Kayla Itsines. Even if you spend 4 hours at the gym daily you will still be ugly and boring. Running 10 miles a day doesn’t give you a personality. 

The worst is when these people, the same people who would never turn down a night out or a tequila shot, start to fuck up your social life.

It begins slowly. Probably with a side comment that going out on Tuesday nights isn’t as fun as it used to be when everyone just turned 21. You don’t think much of it. Maybe she’s just on her period or just finished season 2 of One Tree Hill and needs to know what happens next.

Then before you know it this so-called “friend” is suddenly skipping Friday night ragers because she has an early yoga class Saturday morning and thinks vodka is just a bunch of empty calories. Look, you need SOME calories to live, and I'm perfectly fine if those come from vodka. You used to be, too. What the hell happened??

Overly healthy people have always been in our lives, but lately it feels like every one of our besties has turned to the dark side (they haven't, but like, it just feels way worse than it is). You can give up carbs and Svedka when you’re 45 and divorced.

Bottom line, don’t give me shit for blacking out and not making it to SoulCycle on the weekends. Weight is easy to lose—UGH status, not so much.




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