October 16, 2014
Dear Icebreaker Activities and Everyone Who Facilitates Them,
I don’t encounter you THAT often, but every time I do I remember how you’re the bane of my fucking existence. You tend to make appearances at mandatory events that no one wants to go to in the first place, and proceed to make them much, much worse. Every time I see the word “Icebreaker!!” written in red Expo marker with “45 minutes” next to it, I want to jump through the nearest window at 95 MPH because how’s that for breaking the ice??
There are various types of icebreaker activities and all of them suck ass. The first and probably most common is the, “Go Around and Say a Fun Fact About Yourself” game AKA Realize There’s Nothing Interesting About Your Life and Panic About it Indefinitely. Sure, there are plenty of “fun” things I do, but TBH most of them are illegal and rightfully so. Unless you’ve started a non-profit or have some circus-qualifying talent, you’re inevitably fucked during this portion of the day.
There’s also typically a “small groups” activity that’s very similar to how I would imagine it feels to be held hostage by a group of high fourth graders. Everyone is kind of giggling but not saying anything but also STARING at you and sucking your soul out at every second until someone takes the lead and does everything. The rest of the group just sits there because everyone’s “too cool” for this but I’m the only one that is ACTUALLY too cool so ugh.
Sometimes there’s a physical activity where you have to do things like line up in height order WITHOUT talking--OMG! If the whole series of events wasn’t degrading enough, this really puts it over the edge because the group always fucks it up and then the leader gets weirdly disappointed and tries to shame everybody. Are we all friends yet??
The worst part about icebreakers is just how fucking unnecessary they are. FYI, I can look at a person and know within five seconds if I’m going to like them. And if you don’t believe that, watch me Hinge. So, even though I sooo appreciate your optimism that we’re all going to hang out after this, we’re not. Please just stop, like, before my childhood started.