A Strongly Worded Letter To People Who Call Me Ma’am

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear person ringing me up at the Whole Foods,

What the fuck do you think you’re doing, calling me ma’am? You can clearly see that I’m well below the age of 40. I don’t have children in tow. My hair is not graying. So why are you calling me ma’am?

I get it, your job is to greet me at the counter, and yes I did find everything ok thanks for asking, but why did you settle on the one that implies I’m menopausal? Is it against company policy to call me “miss”? Did someone somewhere along the way decide it was too diminutive or something? Because I’m pretty sure any rational woman would agree with me when I say, I’d rather be perceived as younger than I am than older. Except for when I’m trying to see R-rated movies. Have you seen how juvenile 17-year-olds look nowadays? Quit carding me, bro.

I’m a recent college grad and I have enough major crises on a daily basis without you reminding me of the fact that I’m continuously getting older. Like seriously. I already feel ancient with Buzzfeed constantly publishing lists like “17 Things Kids These Days Have Never Heard of Before”, I don’t need some random customer service worker implying that I am an old maid. I’m a maiden, dammit! Mer-man, pa. Mer-MAN!

I’m starting a movement for age-neutral pronouns,

The Betches




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