May 12, 2015
Dear Special Snowflakes,
Ugh, how do you do it? How do you manage to live a normal lifestyle and do mundane things like work and go to school when you’re one of the chosen ones? The elite few with ears that can recognize real music. It must all seem like an atrocious waste of time when you could be out there, spreading the good word and converting the mindless masses. God, I can’t even imagine the pressure you’re under, having to be the Messiah of Good Taste for your friends, family, and the three people who follow your music blog. But hey, someone has to do it, right?
Wrong. So wrong. Guess what, bud? No one has to do it. No one has to set up their soap box (in this case, your YouTube channel) and bitch ad nauseam about the world not sharing your taste in music. I am truly sorry that the plebeians and their love of Justin Bieber are ruining your day, but I’m more sorry that you were given access to the Internet and an intrinsic need to tell people how fucking stupid they are for not listening to Radiohead, who you totally discovered by the way.
Do you know what you sound like, when you start your subreddits about how the new Britney Spears song will be the downfall of mankind? You sound like a pretentious piece of shit, and I have a feeling you’re wearing a fedora. Listen up, Noel Gallagher: I’m sorry your head is so far up Arcade Fire’s ass that you’re incapable of enjoying a virtually harmless, catchy pop song, but that’s not going to stop me from blasting it outside of your window like I’m in Say Anything.
But they don’t write their own music! Some of them do write their own songs in their entirety. Some of them collaborate with song writers. Some of them probably couldn’t write a chorus if their life depended on it. Who fucking cares? Not all dancers are choreographers, either, but does that make them any less talented?
The lyrics are repetitive. You bet your ass they are, all the better for me to remember while I’m drunk. You know what’s not fun to listen to while you’re drunk? The Smiths.
They aren’t real artists. Oh, shit, my bad. You should have opened with that one. Not real artists? Where did they get their official artist's certification, then?? Should we get the government involved in this blatant forgery ring that has permeated the music industry?
This letter doesn’t necessarily just apply to you, the people who try to suck the fun out of everyone else’s lives because we haven’t heard The Cure’s live session from their unreleased EP. Really, this is directed at anyone who feels the need to ruin something other people enjoy, just because they don’t like it. Pop music is going to be the downfall of society? Really? That’s a bold statement. There’s a lot of unfavorable shit going down right now that our grandkids will read about and (rightfully) be horrified by, and I don’t think Taylor Swift’s new album is one of them. Actually, I know for a fact it isn't, because that album is fucking fantastic.
So please take your Beatles-emulating, teenage girl-vilifying, Joy Division-quoting man club, and GTFO. But just one quick thing about your beloved Beatles before you go. I mean, who doesn’t love that British boy band that took America, and subsequently the world, by storm with their bubblegum pop hits who then slowly, as they gained autonomy, transitioned into a more mature, rock-influenced, sound that better reflected their actual artistic endeavors and preferences?
You just described One Direction. But it’s cool, I’m sure you were pre-Abbey Road anyway.