February 17, 2015
Dear Dramatic Attention Whores,
There are so many articles written out there about how to be happy in your 20s. Are you fucking kidding me? You are in your 20s – how can you not be happy? What do you have to complain about? Arthritis? Gray hair? Getting fat from having kids? How about none of the above?
If you’re having a life crisis when you’re around the age of 25, you seriously need a reality check. Stop bitching about how you’re just sooo confused about the direction your life is going in. Yeah, maybe you’re depressed because the best four years of your life (aka college) are over, but who says the next four can’t be great too? I’m not going to sit here and write some inspirational bullshit for you losers because this isn’t Elite Daily. If you want some comfort for your ailing soul, go find it elsewhere.
Everyone is sick of hearing you bitch and moan about how hard your life is. Yeah, it sucks getting cut off from your parents and having to work, but there’s so many ways you can do work without actually doing work. We write tons of "How To" articles about that. Read those instead of those inspirational quotes you read before crying yourself to sleep every night.
If you even try to pull the “forever alone” card because you’re 25 and haven’t been on a “date” since your college boyfriend drunkenly bought you pizza that one night after formal, you’re actually going to be forever alone. Alone as in literally not one person will want to be around you because who wants to be around someone desperately in need of a Prozac prescription?
Get your shit together and realize you are in your prime. Middle-aged men have crises about their lives because suddenly they can’t keep it up and their hairline is receding at a rapidly increasing pace. Even these beer belly dads manage to gain some semblance of happiness by buying a new Ferrari or some shit. If a man with a Viagra prescription and too many Hawaiian button downs is doing better than you, then…there truly is no hope for you.
Bottom line: Don't be a loser who thinks your age determines how much fun you have in life. You’re 25, not eighty years old. If you feel like you belong in the geriatrics unit now, you won’t even make it to Tuesday night bingo when you’re actually a senior citizen. Might as well move to Florida and start golfing before it’s too late.
Still don’t give a fuck about your life path,