December 12, 2014
Dear Bros Who Are Off The Grid,
Every once in a while, we meet someone who claims to be too cool for social media. Generally, these people will give some bullshit excuse like, “I’m not into social media” or “I connect to my real friends in real life” but what they really mean is “I think too highly of myself.” We’re talking about people that are off the grid.
Unless you’re a fucking celebrity or live in a war-torn country, you’re not off the grid, you’re anti-social. Like, some people actually just aren’t very active on social media because they’re actually busy (even though it’s not that hard to like, multi-task), but claiming to be “off the grid” is a thinly disguised way of trying to seem more important than you are. First of all, what makes you think that people are clamoring to see what’s going on in your life? Second of all, if we DID want to stalk your life, you’re making it very hard for us to do so.
Bros that say they’re off the grid are like girls that make out with each other for attention - you’re insecure and are clearly using this as a way to seem cooler than you are. For those that claim that social media detracts from real life connections - you’re using it wrong. Sure, seeing baby pictures of estranged high school acquaintances can be annoying, but also you could just unfriend them. Social media is supposed to enhance real life interactions - we don’t replace our real conversations with Twitter, we just have more than one conversation. Like I can talk to you in real life and also like your prof pic, it’s not rocket science.
Also, what are you doing with your life? Like are you on a flip phone? Seriously? If it’s not on Instagram, then did it really happen? I get that you pine for an easier time when you had to wait by your rotary phone to ring if you wanted to talk to your crush, but as the Lion King taught us - put your past behind you. You have a Macbook Pro and an iPhone so we know you know how to use technology. You’re also like, on Spotify, so we know you have no trouble logging into things.
Look, all I'm saying is if I had to go to China or like North Korea, I'd still find a way to tweet about it. So seriously, your attempt at creating "mystery" is not very impressive.