January 9, 2015
Dear Drunk Self,
Listen, you’ve taken things too far. You should know that I am not in the least a rule abiding person, but I think it’s time we set some down. Your behavior last night was just absolutely unacceptable. How is it possible for one person to throw away so much hard work in such little time? What am I talking about? I’m talking about Soul Cycle, your Pure Barre, and hot yoga classes you so diligently woke up early for these last two weeks completely undone by eating those cheese fries.
That’s right, you thought I wouldn’t notice if you just had some fries, but you were not so subtle about it. Not only did you get fries, you also made yourself a quesadilla when you went home. You only ate one quesadilla, you say? That’s true. But then you ate two slices of cheese STRAIGHT OUT OF THE PACKET. Like a barbarian. Absolutely disgusting.
While you waited for the quesadilla cheese to melt, you went through your cabinets and opened a bag of chips. You were acting as if this were a four course meal and the appetizers needed appetizers. Pregaming is only acceptable when you are drinking - eating more food to get ready for food is not the same thing and far less appealing.
It’s not that I have a problem with you eating food. Eating disorders are so sixth grade. Like, you should eat if you’re hungry, sure. But you weren’t even really hungry. You drank a fat baby’s worth of alcohol, so I know your stomach was not empty. Did you know monks used to live off drinking beer alone for months? You could have fed a Mongolian temple with the amount of beer you drank tonight, so don’t tell me your body needed nutrients. You also knew you were doing something wrong because you attempted to stash the evidence of all your snacking before I woke up sober and realized what happened.
Case in point - I found an empty pizza box in the bathtub when I got up to shower this morning. Maybe you thought if you didn’t throw it in the kitchen trash can I wouldn’t notice you ate pizza last night. You thought you could trick me into thinking you went straight to bed after your night out, didn’t you? But I’m smarter than that.
And why on EARTH did you throw away my yogurt and healthy fruit snacks? What did they ever do to you? I know they didn’t look that appealing to you in your blackout stupor, but they never hurt anyone. And now I’ve got to go to Whole Foods hungover AF for more Kashi bars. The last thing I want to do is go outside, let alone make small talk with people I might run into while I’m out.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that you started making mac and cheese but spilled the packet of cheese mix all over the stovetop. What a perfectly good box of mac wasted! Actually, it was probably a good thing you did that because I don’t need those calories, not even sober. Anyways, if it wasn’t for the fact that you drank so much you probably puked it all up anyways, I’d be ten times angrier at you. Seriously, just like, think about your actions next time you go start making eggs at 3am, okay? Thanks.