Strongly Worded Letter to Kickstarters

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear Povos,

It seems I cannot go one day without my Facebook feed being flooded with people asking for donations. And no, I don’t mean my friends who are doing the Avon Breast Cancer walk and looking for sponsorship. No, I’m talking about how everybody and their fucking dog is trying to crowdsource funding for something they “desperately need.” And I mean that literally btw, like someone actually set up a Go Fund Me on behalf of their dog. White people, amirite? (JK, settle down, commenters. I too am white). 

Crowd-funding is annoying on a basic level because it’s like you’re begging for charity, but unlike actual charity, I can’t write that shit off on my taxes. To be fair, I’m not an accountant, but I don’t think the IRS would let “$100 to help fund Jamie’s backpacking trip through Europe” fly as a write-off. So, no. If I wanted to donate to a charity I’d donate to a fucking charity (I hear Avon has got a breast cancer walk coming up).

What really gets me is most of the time, people set up Go Fund Me’s for the most inconsequential shit. Like, medical bills are acceptable because I understand that not everybody is Walter White. But really, you’re setting up a Kickstarter to get enough money to record your first studio album, so after that’s done you can pester me nonstop to buy your first album? No fucking thanks. There’s this thing a lot of people do when they need money to fund their hobbies, and it’s called a fucking job. Get one. Or sell all your shit on eBay, I don’t care.

To the people who make Kickstarters and shit to bankroll your monthly Starbucks habit: y’all know this is basically pan-handling, right? Why is it frowned upon to beg on the street, but give someone a wifi connection and suddenly it’s perfectly acceptable to harass strangers for money? Follow-up question: do hobos know about this? This could revolutionize the pan-handling industry! I’m gonna start a charity called IndieGogo’s for Hobos, and you can all donate to it.


The Betches




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