February 21, 2014
Dear Old Guys in Clubs,
Okay, first of all, what are you doing here? Don’t you have kids to watch or a prostate exam to undergo?
What exactly are you hoping to find at the club on a Thursday-Saturday night? A sugar baby? A babysitter? Someone who will explain to you what twerking is, and teach you how to use “the Tweeter”? Basically it’s just the status part of Facebook…a Facebook status is that little box thing at the top that asks you how you’re feeling. No, your mom did not put that there because she thinks you’re not ‘communicating’ enough.
Why can’t you do what all the other men your age do when they’re looking to blow off some steam and go to a sports bar and yell at a TV, or blow your retirement fund on a Lambo?
I seriously doubt you even have fun at clubs, seeing that unless it’s some kind of throwback-themed night, you’re settling in for a night of songs you have never even heard of. No, the DJ will not be playing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”
Plus, if I wanted to see middle aged men dancing, I’d go to a bar mitzvah or a U2 concert.
And good luck trying to pick up a girl with a line like, “$15 for a watered-down cocktail, can you believe it? Back in my day $15 could buy you a used car, and a trip to the movies!”
Maybe try picking up women on Match.com, or a local game of mah jongg, because when a betch goes to a club, a guy who could quite possibly be friends with her dad is very low on the list in terms of shit she wants to get into that night.
Frankly, if you’re looking for a girl with daddy issues, you’re at the wrong kind of club. You might have better luck in the lobbies of therapists' offices or you could also try NYU.
I may change my mind if you have a yacht,