November 6, 2014
Dear People Who Document Their Exercise on Social Media,
If you recently ran the marathon then you can stop reading this and go eat a sandwich or whatever the fuck you want because I'm pretty sure you qualify as superhuman. This strongly worded letter is not directed towards you, but to all the NARPS of the world who love posting their monthly workout on social media. I'm not upset about the fact that you guys aren't actually that athletic (why would I GAF?), but because I'm so genuinely confused about what the intention behind this is.
For example, when you Instagram a photo of a below average looking sunrise with the caption "No better way to start the day than running 6 miles! (Raising Hands emoji)" what are you trying to accomplish? Who are you trying to impress? I know that going for a run takes a lot of #motivation, but it's really not that much of a feat considering many people do it everyday. Can you imagine Peyton Manning clogging up your newsfeed with how 'aaaaamazing' he feels after every practice? No, because that would be fucking stupid.
Another thing, I'm not happy that you worked out. It's mostly reminding me of the fact that I didn't work out and therefore should not be eating atm. If you want someone to pat you on the back for putting sneakers on, hire a personal trainer or date a nice boy.
What most irritates me about the physical fitness posting is the fact that exercise is one of the remaining activities that we do, like purely for our own benefit. Why do you need 10 likes and a comment from your weird aunt to validate your attempt to be fit? Drink your post-workout strawbanna smoothie and be content for once in your life goddamnit.
Finally, I also feel inclined to give a special s/o here to all of the disgustingly ripped bros that post shirtless pics. I feel like you decided one day that having a six pack was the ultimate key to success and just fucking went for it. Based on the number of your likes/ matches/ actual friends, I think we all know that's simply not true.