March 6, 2014
Dear People Who Eat in Public,
I don’t know when in the course of humanity it suddenly became okay to eat a three-course meal in a company boardroom, but this has to stop. Dining is a sacred experience between one person and one chopped salad which should occur inside a restaurant or at the movies if said individual is high. It is not an activity that should follow you from a job interview to the subway to your sister’s apartment. Life isn’t really a ball. You need to stop eating like it's one.
Incidentally, I don’t know who you think you’re helping when you devour a breakfast burrito in your 9AM marketing class. Shit smells like vomit and WE’RE ALL LOOKING AT YOU. If your goal is for us to confuse you for Kirstie Alley pre- or post-Jenny Craig, then congratu-fucking-lations. You’ve succeeded. Otherwise, leave your putrid vittles at home and stop licking your fingers like your Julius Caesar at a Roman banquet.
I understand it’s tough to fit in time for a civilized, sit-down meal these days. Add in the fact that they shape everything from sandwiches to yogurt to turkey legs to fit directly in the palm of your hand, and the temptation to eat on the go or, like, behind the counter of the boutique where you work becomes very plausible. But you’re not doing anybody any favors by acting like a feral wildebeest in the presence of humans.
So put down those dumplings, fucking weird man on the subway, and cancel that pizza you ordered, Ellen DeGeneres. If you are standing on two feet, it isn’t time to eat.
That banana you're engulfing makes men think of your mouth on their dick,