February 5, 2015
Dear Public Water Works,
Put down the vodka soda. You should know that when you show emotion, you identify yourself as a weak individual. Sure, this may be tough and a cruel thing to hear, but it’s the only thing that will get you to get the fuck up off the bar bathroom floor and get your shit together.
If you’re a stranger, you’re interrupting me because I can’t pee in peace with you whimpering in the stall next to me.
If you're my friend, you’re interrupting me because I can’t continue to drink and flirt with that hot bro who enjoys buying me drinks. I have to go drag your ass home and both of us know that won’t end well.
Crying in public is like lying down on the ground and allowing people to step all over your new expensive AF dress. You let everyone see you at your worst and if you’re a betch, you should know to never show weakness. Sure, we may get pissed when things don’t go our way, but that’s what therapists’ couches are made for. They get paid to keep things private so get all your messed up feelings out over there.
You may not be able to control it because you just had way too fucking much to drink in the past hour, but not being in control isn’t betchy. Stop ruining your own life and the lives of others by pulling this total faux pas.
No one likes that person who always ruins the party. You know that girl in your friend group who either throws up at the pregame and you have to spend 10 minutes of your precious shot-consuming time helping her get into bed. Or the girl who refuses to agree with everyone else on what to order from Seamless at the end of the night. If you can’t think of that girl, you are that girl and there’s no hope for you so find some new friends who accept this kind of shitty behavior.
Those who drunk cry are the ultimate party fuckups because you feel kind of bad for them since you know everyone is staring at them and secretly laughing inside (or actually laughing if they’re real assholes). This pitying feeling ruins a good buzz so essentially people who cry in public are fun suckers.
Some famous person once said that people won’t remember what you did or what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. And watching you drunkenly cry in public definitely doesn’t make people feel all that great inside so be a little considerate and fucking stop.