April 23, 2014
As a tall betch over 5’7", life can sometimes be a double-edged sword. Sure, it’s tough to have to deal with annoying questions like which agency you model for and how the weather up there is. On the other hand, height is power since tall people statistically make more money and you’ll always be independent enough to not have to ask your boyfriend to grab something from the top shelf for you. But that doesn’t mean that being tall as fuck doesn’t come with it’s own set of serious annoyances. Let’s take a look at some times we wish we could just be 5’4" like a normal person.
While our short friends are able to wear six inch stilettos and barely reach our chins, for us wearing the same height shoes makes us feel like the villagers are about to run and grab their pitchforks to hunt down what looks like the big hot friendly giant. Being 6’2" in heels may seem fun when you’re at a Miley Cyrus concert trying to get good Instagram video but in most situations it’s hard not to feel like an awkward Amazon woman when you’re in the middle of a group of short people.
As a tall betch, there is literally nothing more irritating than seeing a 5’1" girl dating a 6’3" guy. Tall guys are in short fucking supply and these bitches should stick to the 5’8" bros that they belong with. Guys will constantly be lying to you, trying to make themselves seem taller and it’s sometimes a struggle to maintain your height standards when that 5’10" bro is so fucking cute but just too emasculating to stand next to in your 5 inch pumps.
When walking around in a huge group of girls it’s hard not seem like the giant freak show when you’re sandwiched between two people who look like they’re small enough to be your daughters. It's annoying to go out with a bestie and you guys look like fucking Pinky and The Brain. On the bright side, these short friends are good for resting your shoulder on in cabs and getting the small shit that rolls underneath your couch with their tiny, short girl hands.
As a tall betch you’ll inevitably have to give up certain fashion statements that make you look like you have special needs/are a slave. This includes rompers which give you that lovely camel-toe look, Tom’s shoes, short shorts, and dresses that fit more like shirts.
No I don’t want to play on your intramural basketball team. Just because I’m tall doesn’t mean I’m a fucking dude.
So even though there are some annoying issues tall betches have to face, at the end of the day height is power. You can make short guys feel like shit with ease, take comfort in the inevitable superiority of the tall sons you’ll breed, and eat more without gaining weight. I mean it’s obvi easier to be on top of the world when you’re just physically closer to heaven.