Study Abroad, Normcore, And Other Things That Are Literally The Worst

By The Head Pro

Welcome to Literally the Worst, an occasional column wherein I shit on all the shit that’s shitty. This week: Study abroad, “normcore” and the people in the Sam Adams commercials. Got ideas? Of course you do. Send them to me at [email protected]

Study Abroad

Fuck your #3 study abroad semester, I don’t want to hear about it. That’s not jingoism on my part or anything, either - of course there are plenty of places in the world outside of the US that are wonderful. That’s not to say the idea of studying abroad isn’t good either. I’m all for your parents funding an extended vacation where you also, like, go to class, sometimes. No, the problem with study abroad, as with most things, is the people who do it.

The one universal truth of studying abroad is that it makes you an asshole. You become the kind of person who writes things like this BuzzFeed post titled “43 Reasons Studying Abroad In Paris Destroys You For Life.” It should be called "43 ways studying abroad in paris makes you an insufferable douche for like a year until you get over yourself,” because that’s what happens. Paris and Parisians aren’t inherently more interesting, it just seems that way because you’ve spent a lifetime living not in Paris. Besides, no one gives a fuck that you went to France. Did you know that 66 million people live in France, and that France receives over 84 million tourists annually, making it the most visited country on Earth? Your little vacay is actually the least-unique one you could possibly take.

I know people who went to England for like two months and then came back using British idioms with a terribly affected accent. Like, chill the fuck out Madonna. Being anywhere for a few months won’t do shit to change the speech patterns you’ve spent decades developing. The reason they think they’re doing it is to seem cool, like “oh, I guess I got so wrapped up in all that CULTURE that I don’t realize I’m doing it!” They think they do it because they want you to ask them about it, so they can tell you about how French bread made IN FRANCE changed their life. They are wrong about themselves, as with most things. The real reason they do it is because they are sad, terrible people.

Have fun studying abroad, just please never tell anyone about it when you come back.{C}


Honestly, I barely understand what this is even trying to describe. Dressing … normal, I guess? The fashion industry is largely useless and unimportant (anyone who tries to go all “Devil Wears Prada” to correct me is wrong, and a moron), but this may be the apex of stupidity. You can’t take something that can only be described as “not dressing stylishly or on-trend” and then try to make a trend out of it. You can’t “ironically” dress in regular, middle-American clothes, because no one will notice - they’ll just think you’re a regular, middle-American mouth-breather, and you may as well be. Today, someone shared with me the straw that broke the normcore camel’s back: This Refinery 29 post titled “Did Forrest Gump Invent Normcore?

“To some viewers, it's inspirational — a true American tale. Others find it ‘glib, shallow, and monotonous.’ But, Forrest as a source of fashion inspiration? We'd like to think we're the first to introduce this particular argument.”

Yeah, you are the first to introduce this particular argument, because anyone with an IQ higher than their shoe size realized it was a fucking stupid one a long, long time ago.{C}

The People in this Fucking Sam Adams Commercial

Odds are you’ve seen this commercial, which debuted last year and started running again this summer:

Fuck every single one of those people in the nose with a bowling pin. Honestly, what kind of beer-snobby hipster do you have to be to express disbelief when confronted with the fact that the good-tasting beer you just drank was brewed by Sam Adams, a company that markets itself on its ability to brew good-tasting beer? Sam Adams is a fine beer. It has good flavor, good color, etc. It’s one thing if Sam Adams isn’t your first guess when given a mystery dark lager, but surprise? Disbelief that anything other than a pop-up microbrewery could produce an amicable-tasting beer? Fuck off.

These are the same kinds of people who bray in internet comment sections that Bud Light “isn’t beer.” Fuck you, yes it is. It’s a fermented alcoholic beverage made from water, yeast, hops and malted grains. That’s the definition of a beer, and you don’t get to change that based on your own tastes and sensibilities. Obviously there are much better beers in the world than the kinds produced in St. Louis and Milwaukee (just like how there are much better baseball teams than the ones in those cities, zing!) and you’d be an idiot not to explore them, but trying to turn beer into a hobby similar to wine is obnoxious (and wine, as a hobby, is already pretty fucking obnoxious).

Whenever I encounter the kind of people who refuse to drink good old clydesdale piss, I always think to myself “how did you get like this? What did you drink in college?” Then I realize they probably didn’t go to college, which explains a whole bunch of things.

Got ideas? Send them to me at [email protected]




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