July 6, 2015
Aryan race, beware… looks like we’ve finally found your flaw. The American Journal of Medical Genetics just released a study claiming that light-eyed individuals (especially blue) are more at risk of developing alcoholism than their dark eyed counterparts. This is great news for some because they can now start blaming eye pigment for their alcoholic tendencies instead of bad relationships, absent fathers, etc. Researchers admit the findings are only a small portion of preventing alcoholism, but let’s be real, scientists can’t do shit when it comes to our drinking habits.
This news is probably the first to ever touch on the disadvantages of having blue eyes. All our lives we’ve been bombarded with song lyrics and photo-shopped pictures boasting the unparalleled beauty and exceptionality of blue eyed women. Millions of brown-eyed girls can attest to eye-rolling the shit out of someone gushing about how beautiful someone’s blue eyes are (like, she’d only be a 4 if she had brown eyes, ugh). So, brown eyed betches, here’s some good news. Your blue-eyed friend may get more free drinks at the bar, but you are way less likely to show up drunk to your child’s piano recital. Even trade, right? And after all, eyes are the windows to the alcoholic’s soul.